And.... PULL! ; New Republican Alternatives to Abortion

Written by Xavier Fairbanks

Friday, 17 May 2019

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Who Turned Out the Lights? Americans Stuck in Dark Ages

In lieu of abortion, United States Republicans have approved a new usage for fetuses that die while still in the womb. Under new guidelines, once the woman is executed for her miscarriage, she will be ground up in a mulcher and spread on the White House lawn as a new form of fertilizer. The fetus is to be placed in a special collection bin. Each night, the bins at local hospitals will be emptied and delivered to Mar-a-Lago where they will be put to use as biodegradable skeet shoot targets.

"Today, we have made great advancements as a party, and as a nation. We have ensured that all white, wrinkled, old men have the ability to tell women what to do, regardless of wether it is scientifically proven or not. In addition, we have made tremendous strides in our new green fetus-recycling initiative, and have saved taxpayers millions by implementing a new lawn fertilizer program for the White House," said Mike Pence.

While critics around the world are outraged at this insensitive and outlandish legislation, Republican lawmakers have taken pride in their new program.

"Who knows? If every state joined these new initiatives, we could really make a difference. We could save schools trillions just by replacing their outdated skeet shoot discs with these new biodegradable solutions. What could be more patriotic?" said Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell, before retreating to his shell in a back alley to dodge a flying coat hanger.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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