Young Man's Death Deemed Non-Tragic Suicide

Written by Chrissy Benson

Sunday, 19 May 2019

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Jake Pruitt's funeral was low-key, befitting the unhappy but non-tragic nature of his death by suicide.

After 22-year-old Jake Pruitt of Queens, New York, was found dead in his bathtub, his wrists slit and bloody, police officers officially deemed his death a non-tragic suicide.

"He really didn't have much going for him," said New York Police Chief Arnie Mitchell. "It kind of made sense that he did this. The guy was no idiot."

Jake's friend Jordan Taylor agreed with the police chief's assessment of Jake's demise. "He hadn't gotten laid in like eight months, and there were no decent options in sight," said Jordan. "Now that was tragic for Jake. The guy loved his booty."

Jordan added that he also thought Jake might have lost his job. "Even if he didn't, though, he hated it. So either way, it wasn't an ideal situation."

Police Chief Mitchell bemoaned the plethora of teens and young adults tragically taking their own lives in recent months, but noted that, fortunately, Jake wasn't one of them. "Jake's family and friends can take comfort in knowing that his act of suicide was much more run-of-the-mill," stated Chief Mitchell. "Just one of those things."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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