"I was going to be a TV star, I was living the dream, until Jeremy Kyle told me he wouldn't broadcast my segment of the show. I was devastated."
These were the words of perennial fat bloke Mr Tristram Lard of Balham, south London, as he told The Spoof how the Jeremy Kyle Show ruined his life by excluding him from an episode with the pithy title of My Ex-Girlfriend's A Cold-hearted Bitch and I Know She Is Missing My Extra Large Trouser Snake, But My New Girlfriend Has Better Tits, So Fuck Her.
"I don't understand it, I did as the producers told me," continued Mr Lard. "I ran onto the stage with my new girlfriend and screamed into the face of Shannon, my ex, about how much she still loves me. I pretended to be held back from her new boyfriend by Jeremy's security guards - well, he's a big bloke, and can probably pack a punch! The audience loved it, but, for some reason, it was downhill all the way from there, although I have to say that Jeremy is just sooo nice. He's not arrogant, slimy and self-serving in the least. He's a real gent."
The Spoof contacted the programme makers, Gutter TV Productions, and they responded as follows:
The segment including Mr Lard was dropped from the show after Mr Lard insisted on proudly showing off his new girlfriend's breasts, and then exposing his over-large erect member while taunting his ex-girlfriend, Shannon, with it.
The Jeremy Kyle Show is a serious and responsible family-oriented show made to the highest broadcasting standards. We certainly can't have this, and we have to draw the line somewhere - eventually.