UPDATE: CALFISH is now evacuating the Salmon from below the Damn. According to spokes-fish Hal A. Bight, the fish, and their human worshippers, are stealthily exiting for high ground.
“We like water, but a 100-foot wall of it moving at seventy-five miles per hour is more than our gills can take. And just tell the fish. We don’t want people clogging up the roads trying to escape. So don’t click here unless you are a fish.
Sacramento, CA - Sanitation Officer Santo Phlushe revealed today, at a small press conference, a solution to the sanitation issues facing San Francisco’s poop laid-in side walks.
“We all know San Francisco stinks. It’s a pooplematic situation for all. The poop just keeps dropping no matter how fast we respond to poop calls. We all fecal really bad about this, but now we have the solution to fecal pollution - dilution!
“As soon as Oroville dam starts over-topping, and we’re seeding the clouds as I speak, we are going to blow Oroville Damn! Those cranes we have out there are positioned to destroy it now.
“We realize there will be collateral damage to about a million people, but hey, that's a million less crappers! It’s a good thing. We expect this to be the final dilution.”
After the conference, I boarded my boat and headed a mile offshore, then phoned in the story.