Boxer Rebellion: Dogs Piss And Miss Mayor De Blasio’s Revolving Fire Hydrants

Written by Dr. Billingsgate

Tuesday, 14 May 2019

image for Boxer Rebellion: Dogs Piss And Miss Mayor De Blasio’s Revolving Fire Hydrants
I'm Pissed!

BILLINGSGATE POST: Revolving fire hydrants: Sounds like a “can’t miss” solution to The Big Apple’s dog emission problem.

Now that Mayor De Blasio has become the latest mutt to join the 20 or more dogs throwing their collars into the ring as Democrat candidates for President, is it a coincidence that the Mayor just ordered New York City Park Superintendent Patrick O’ Shanahan to replace all of the old fire hydrants along Fifth Avenue and Central Park? He thought the new eco-friendly revolving hydrants would be accepted without controversy. He was wrong. And it could cause him to lose the nomination.

Just installed last month, irate dog owners have already been complaining that when their dogs lift their legs to pee, a sensor on the fire hydrant starts the hydrant to revolve at about 6 revolutions a minute, causing the dogs to lose their balance while pursuing the hydrant with one leg off the ground.

In some cases the dogs become dizzy and complain about vertigo as they try to keep up with the hydrant as it makes its rounds. Boxers, because of their long legs, become so unstable they collapse and fall into their own urine. Small dogs have less of a problem.

As you can imagine, the Uber-rich liberals who live along Park Avenue are not used to having their dogs suffer this kind of indignation. And these are exactly the same people who De Blasio counts on for campaign contributions.

Some of the older ladies, who have outlived their trophy husbands, are so up in arms, their bat wings are catching air and causing them to lift off the ground; a dangerous situation in itself. It is not unusual to witness the spectacle of a dog falling in his own urine while his owner is levitating a few feet off the ground, screaming like a Banshee rag picker for help.

What to do?

With political rival, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, calling for a more eco-friendly environment, there is little hope that he will rescind his order and remove the revolving hydrants. After all, he ordered these new hydrants to appease liberals like OAC who wish to make the world green again. So far, only the dogs have turned green as they dizzied themselves before falling into their own urine.

In a recent article in The New Yorker, De Blasio was quoted paraphrasing Marie Antoinette’s infamous phrase, “Let them eat cake.”

De Blasio: "If your dog can’t stand up and pee, get a cat.”

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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