Mayor Brags that NYC Only Fifth-Worst City to Live In

Written by Chrissy Benson

Friday, 1 March 2019

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There are four major cities worse to live in - and some a lot smellier - than NYC, bragged Mayor Bill de Blasio.

New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio proudly announced that according to a recent U.S. News and World Report study, the Big Apple is only the nation's fifth-worst major city to live in, comfortably edging out hellholes like Fresno, Stockton, Modesto, and the nation's number-one-worst quality-of-life metropolis, San Juan.

In terms of affordable housing, New York City is really where it's at, boasted Mayor de Blasio. "It's not everywhere you can find a 200-square-foot studio apartment in a decent neighborhood for twenty-seven-fifty a month," he noted.

The mayor also touted the safety of New York City's extensive subway system. "Odds are greatly in your favor, at least when it comes to commuting to work during regular business hours," he bragged.

Mayor de Blasio made a particular point of emphasizing the advantage many New York City residents enjoy with regard to the risks posed by global warming and sea level rise. "Most of Manhattan is at least 15 feet above sea level, and very few parts are less than five feet above sea level. Compare that to New Orleans or Venice - no contest!" He chucked fondly and added, "Plus, a lot of climate experts agree that, barring another unforeseen catastrophic weather event like Superstorm Sandy, New York won't look like Venice for decades."

In a nutshell, stated Mayor de Blasio, New York City represents a breath of fresh air - relatively speaking, at least. "There are cities a lot smellier," he raved. "Think Beijing."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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