Mueller Report Released, With Redactions

Funny story written by Brett Taylor

Tuesday, 16 April 2019

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Mueller wrote the original report in Latin

Anticipation is building towards the release of Robert Mueller’s report on interaction between the Donald Trump campaign and Russia. Will the report show collusion between the future president and a hostile foreign power? Many Democrats believe so, while the Republican Party has many staunch Trump defenders who maintain the whole controversy is just a political stunt, cooked up to smear America’s leader.

In any case, the report is set to be released this Thursday, with one caveat. Attorney General William Barr says the report will come out, but with numerous passages omitted or “redacted” for reasons of national security. Some progressives fear that certain passages may be unfairly redacted not for valid reasons but merely to protect the president and his strategists from embarrassment.

A few passages have already leaked online and we will now present a few of them.

Here are few of the most informative examples. Any redactions are represented with dash marks, like these: ----------.

Opening Summary: The Justice Department finds numerous examples of -------------------------------- over a six month period. It is quite obvious from the evidence that Source A committed numerous acts of -------------------------------- in conjunction with ------------------------- and that the world political scene has been unduly affected by ------------------------------ of a most ------------- kind.

Also, we cannot overstate the importance of ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- in the context of --------------------------------------------------------------------------. It is incredibly important that the world know of ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ and the facts about ------------------------------------------------------. If any government entity should suppress the truth about --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------, then all hope shall be lost and the world will plunge into chaos and darkness.

On the eve of November 29, 2016, a meeting of huge importance occurred between Source ------ and Representative X concerning the transfer of -------------------- from -------------------- to Nation X in the amount of -------------------------------------- to be delivered at ----------------------- on the date of -------------------------------. Surely no ----------------------- could be more --------------------- about ----------------------- than ------------------- to -------------------------------- and also ------------------------. But then, -------------------------------------------------. In fairness, it must be said that -------------------- is also ----------------------- as well as ---------------------------------.

Summation of Physical Evidence: The notorious Russian hotel known as Wh---house 7 was the subject of intense scrutiny thanks to a joint effort between the FBI and MI6. Unfortunately the whole room was stained to such a disgusting degree with hooker pee that the whole effort had to be abandoned.

Perhaps no section of the document has drawn more attention that the famous Moscow conversations between Trump and Putin. Because of national security, these sections are among the most heavily redacted in the entire document, making them downright incoherent at times.

“Oh, Mr. Putin,” Trump sighed, with a heavy longing. “How I crave to take your big long ---- in my hands and give it a long hard ----. If only I could blow on your ---- all night, I would be in your debt forever and I would never forget it.”

“Shut up you fool,” Putin replied, his powerful eyes glaring with heartless menace. “You will take this ---- and you will shove it in your ----- and you will not speak. Do as I say, you cringing little ----, if you wish to be the president of your puny little country.”

“I will do as you say, oh mighty leader. I am but a mere business vulture compared to you, mightiest of all world leaders. Humiliate me, oh Baltic master. And keep a secret file on my many embarrassing misdeeds, so that the whole world might someday see me for the bungling idiot that I am.” With that, Trump kneeled on the floor and opened his ---- for the Russian leader to probe and examine and ---- with great determination throughout the long arduous night.

Closing Summary: In summation, the Justice Department finds Source A to be a colossal d-----bag of the most idiotic kind as well as a gigantic c--- and the entire T---p family to be a massive collection of tw--s and a--holes. We recommend they all be sentenced to life in jackass prison for the next forty years.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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