Ottawa, Canada. Not since Eugene Debs polled a million votes for president while in a federal prison in 1920 has any candidate entered the race in a more dramatic fashion that Etaoin Shrdlu. Today he announced his candidacy for the Democratic presidential nomination from his asylum in the Venezuelan embassy in Ottawa. where he holed up after leaking the unredacted Mueller Report.
Furthermore, Shrdlu, who is 89, "going on 90," deluged both the broadcast and print media with an avalanche of tax returns covering sixty-five years, 1954 to 2019, including this year's returns as well.
"Donald Trump won't release anything. Kamala Harris and Bernie Sanders made a big to-do about showing their taxes for only the past ten years. Why don't they release everything? What have they got to hide? Let the chips fall where they may," said Shrdlu, rifling through nearly three feet of tax forms during a Skype interview with CNN's Woof Blister.
Some interesting revelations: Shrdlu's total income in 1954 was $2793, on which he paid $8.03 tax. "I'll bet I paid more taxes in 1954 than any other candidate," Shrdlu bragged. In fact, other than Sanders and Trump, almost none of the announced candidates were alive then.
Trump, however, may have made several million dollars that year as a five-year-old whose father's schemes to defraud the IRS parceled out a large part of the family's income to various children, including the future president. "Come on, Donald. Let's see that return for 1954," grinned Etaoin.
Sean Hannity, on Fox News, immediately questioned whether someone seeking asylum in a foreign country would be eligible to serve if elected.