New Study Casts Doubt on Science of the Stars

Funny story written by Chrissy Benson

Tuesday, 15 January 2019

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Just how valid is the science of the stars? Responsible, analytical Virgo Dr. Elizabeth Kimball is determined to find out.

A new study just released by the Institute of Actual Science casts doubt on the validity of the age-old practice of astrology, which seeks to divine information about human character and affairs from the movements and relative positions of celestial objects.

“We hesitate to speak in such negative terms about the science of the stars,” stated IAS President, astronomer/anthropologist, Dr. Elizabeth Kimball, “but our research thus far suggests that it's pretty bogus.”

Dr. Kimball went on to state that while it is probably not necessary to cease reading daily horoscopes altogether at this point, people may want to exercise caution in basing major life decisions on their personal horoscopes or even on personalized chart readings by certified professional astrologers. “Small decisions and general character assessments based on sun signs should still be fine,, however," she said.

Dr. Kimball pledged to continue the research into astrology and to provide ongoing updates. “I’m highly analytical and responsible to a fault, and I'll get this figured out," she promised zodiac-oriented Americans. "And when I say I’ll do something, you can consider it done. After all, I’m a Virgo.”

"That's pretty apparent," commented prominent astrologer Susan Miller, whose Astrology Zone website provides millions of people worldwide, crucial information as to what to expect in their lives.

Unfazed by this latest report calling into question the ancient celestial “science,” Miller predicts that, despite Dr. Kimball's promises to remain focused on her research, the unmarried scientist may find herself just a bit distracted from her work in the coming months. "Someone's got a planet or two entering the house of love," she said with a knowing smile. "Enjoy!"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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