For many thousands of years, in many thousands of countries, in the minds of many thousands of impressionable human beings, the stars in the sky dictated everything in your life. How prosperous you'd be, who you should or should not marry, what type…
June 14th is Donald Trump’s birthday. He’s a Gemini. Castor and Pollux make up the Twins, and anyone who has them in their brain may find they have at least two personalities at any given times. Sometimes those personalities conflict. They fight.
Hello, fellow mystics! Tis I, the diabolical Geoff Medium with more of your problems. This week, we focus on problems of a sexual nature, because I'm told they get more views. Dear Geoff, I am a 46-year-old man, and I recently moved in with my pa…
A man who is a firm believer in the powerful and perceptive mind and prophecies of the 16th century astrologer Nostradamus, says he isn't too concerned about the Coronavirus pandemic, because the Frenchman didn't mention it. Moys Kenwood, 57, has…
Hot off the press is news that NASA have added a constellation in to the traditional canon of twelve star signs, Ophiuchus. "There's always been a gap in the heavens between Scorpio and Sagittarius," said NASA spokesperson, Katherine Johnson. "Oph…
AP—By Philip Wyley. The Justice Department, following President Trump’s demand abandoned its prosecution of former national security adviser, Michael Flynn. He could well join Sheriff Joe Arpaio as a free man because of Trump’s intervention. Howev...
Unlike other astrologers, who rely on the mundane, the analog, and the antiquated to arrive at their “predictions,” Catmando boldly goes where no members of the cosmological fraternity dare to venture, predicting the future almost before it happens a...
You hold in your hands (you're not still using a desk top, are you?) the astrological world's first Ganjascope℠, the horoscope that takes the logical out of astrological, that boldly goes where no other horoscope dares to tread (yes, the Ganjascope℠...
ARIES: Your ruler Mars is behind those rash decisions about last year’s part-finished contraceptive gel, a good time to flush out bad vibes with a visit to the nearest douche bar for a well earned intimate steam clean. TAURUS: Climate change conti...
A new study just released by the Institute of Actual Science casts doubt on the validity of the age-old practice of astrology, which seeks to divine information about human character and affairs from the movements and relative positions of celestial...
Washington DC - Citing an off-color Mars/Neptune conjunction in Pisces followed by a psychotic Aquarius New Moon the acclaimed Astrology Channel has suddenly turned chicken. And cancelled Tuesday's live stream Presidential rant. It's the first...
The Cosmos - A trainwreck astrological alignment straddles the Cosmos this Thursday when the Sun, Moon and Venus all pile into Scorpio triggering a solar eclipse in the Zodiac's Sign of Death. Skywatchers liken the aspect to a morphine/cocaine hig...
Long Island - Astrologers advising the 22nd Hamptons International Film Festival are recommending the installation of a giant anti-Ebola sheep dip at Montauk Airport ahead of Wednesday's lunar eclipse. The blood-red supermoon will be conjunct Ura...
Jennifer Lawrence, one of the most beautiful women today, has had three falls lately, none of them serious, but she blames it all on "Those stupid scientists and astronomers." "I've had a great career and I'm just getting started when I began trip...
Joshua Tree, California - A naked self-styled astrology freak with an irrational fear of the Martian moon Phobos was found dead at home this morning, an imported chocolate Mars candy bar obstructing the air passage in his throat. He was 69. Or...
Los Angeles - Giant black holes 'as large as the Big Dipper' have appeared in two of Hollywood's most famous senior luminaries' birth charts as they ready to receive Lifetime Achievement Awards from the Oscars Committee. Woody Allen and Roman Pola...
The Cosmos - Filthy conditions in Aquarius, sign of the water bearer, are likely to climax on Valentine's Day when the Leo Fool Moon brings a deluge of karma on Elizabeth Windsor's preposterous 62-year reign. That's the upshot of an astrology conf...
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