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Funny satire stories about astrology

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Funny story: Astrology Solves Your Problems, with Geoff Medium

Astrology Solves Your Problems, with Geoff Medium

Hello, fellow mystics! Tis I, the diabolical Geoff Medium with more of your problems. This week, we focus on problems of a sexual nature, because I'm told they get more views. Dear Geoff, I am a 46-year-old man, and I recently moved in with my pa…

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Funny story: Man Not Worried About Coronavirus, As Nostradamus Didn't Predict It

Man Not Worried About Coronavirus, As Nostradamus Didn't Predict It

A man who is a firm believer in the powerful and perceptive mind and prophecies of the 16th century astrologer Nostradamus, says he isn't too concerned about the Coronavirus pandemic, because the Frenchman didn't mention it. Moys Kenwood, 57, has…

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Funny story: Your star sign has changed!

Your star sign has changed!

Hot off the press is news that NASA have added a constellation in to the traditional canon of twelve star signs, Ophiuchus. "There's always been a gap in the heavens between Scorpio and Sagittarius," said NASA spokesperson, Katherine Johnson. "Oph…

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Funny story: Trump To Appoint Flynn To Climate Change Panel

Trump To Appoint Flynn To Climate Change Panel

AP—By Philip Wyley. The Justice Department, following President Trump’s demand abandoned its prosecution of former national security adviser, Michael Flynn. He could well join Sheriff Joe Arpaio as a free man because of Trump’s intervention. Howev...

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Funny story: Introducing the World's First Horoscope for Cats

Introducing the World's First Horoscope for Cats

Unlike other astrologers, who rely on the mundane, the analog, and the antiquated to arrive at their “predictions,” Catmando boldly goes where no members of the cosmological fraternity dare to venture, predicting the future almost before it happens a...

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Funny story: Presenting The Ganjascope℠, Your Horoscope on Pot

Presenting The Ganjascope℠, Your Horoscope on Pot

You hold in your hands (you're not still using a desk top, are you?) the astrological world's first Ganjascope℠, the horoscope that takes the logical out of astrological, that boldly goes where no other horoscope dares to tread (yes, the Ganjascope℠...

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Funny story: Spoof Stars For The Week Ahead

Spoof Stars For The Week Ahead

ARIES: Your ruler Mars is behind those rash decisions about last year’s part-finished contraceptive gel, a good time to flush out bad vibes with a visit to the nearest douche bar for a well earned intimate steam clean. TAURUS: Climate change conti...

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Funny story: New Study Casts Doubt on Science of the Stars

New Study Casts Doubt on Science of the Stars

A new study just released by the Institute of Actual Science casts doubt on the validity of the age-old practice of astrology, which seeks to divine information about human character and affairs from the movements and relative positions of celestial...

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Funny story: The Astrology Channel pulls out of State of the Union coverage

The Astrology Channel pulls out of State of the Union coverage

Washington DC - Citing an off-color Mars/Neptune conjunction in Pisces followed by a psychotic Aquarius New Moon the acclaimed Astrology Channel has suddenly turned chicken. And cancelled Tuesday's live stream Presidential rant. It's the first...

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Funny story: Venus adds a touch of euthanasia to Thursday's somber solar eclipse

Venus adds a touch of euthanasia to Thursday's somber solar eclipse

The Cosmos - A trainwreck astrological alignment straddles the Cosmos this Thursday when the Sun, Moon and Venus all pile into Scorpio triggering a solar eclipse in the Zodiac's Sign of Death. Skywatchers liken the aspect to a morphine/cocaine hig...

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Funny story: Ebola testing at Hamptons Film Festival ahead of Wednesday's eclipsed blood moon

Ebola testing at Hamptons Film Festival ahead of Wednesday's eclipsed blood moon

Long Island - Astrologers advising the 22nd Hamptons International Film Festival are recommending the installation of a giant anti-Ebola sheep dip at Montauk Airport ahead of Wednesday's lunar eclipse. The blood-red supermoon will be conjunct Ura...

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Funny story: Jennifer Lawrence Blames Latest Accident on Astronomers!

Jennifer Lawrence Blames Latest Accident on Astronomers!

Jennifer Lawrence, one of the most beautiful women today, has had three falls lately, none of them serious, but she blames it all on "Those stupid scientists and astronomers." "I've had a great career and I'm just getting started when I began trip...

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Funny story: Vulnerable astrology sufferer with phobia of Phobos found RIP face down with candy stuck down throat

Vulnerable astrology sufferer with phobia of Phobos found RIP face down with candy stuck down throat

Joshua Tree, California - A naked self-styled astrology freak with an irrational fear of the Martian moon Phobos was found dead at home this morning, an imported chocolate Mars candy bar obstructing the air passage in his throat. He was 69. Or...

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Funny story: Scandalous stars for Sunday's Oscars Night

Scandalous stars for Sunday's Oscars Night

Los Angeles - Giant black holes 'as large as the Big Dipper' have appeared in two of Hollywood's most famous senior luminaries' birth charts as they ready to receive Lifetime Achievement Awards from the Oscars Committee. Woody Allen and Roman Pola...

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Funny story: Long To Rain Over Us is last leg of Queen's Diamond Jubilee hex, astrologers explain

Long To Rain Over Us is last leg of Queen's Diamond Jubilee hex, astrologers explain

The Cosmos - Filthy conditions in Aquarius, sign of the water bearer, are likely to climax on Valentine's Day when the Leo Fool Moon brings a deluge of karma on Elizabeth Windsor's preposterous 62-year reign. That's the upshot of an astrology conf...

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Funny story: New Year's Day New Moon/Pluto Conjunction Bound To Nix Bill De Blasio Swearing-In Ceremony

New Year's Day New Moon/Pluto Conjunction Bound To Nix Bill De Blasio Swearing-In Ceremony

New York - Momentous world events are likely to eclipse NYC mayor-elect Bill De Blasio's crowning moment as the farces of astrology unleash their most potent aspect this New Year's Day with a triple-whammy Sun/Moon/Pluto conjunction in Capricorn.

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Funny story: Thanksgiving Comet or Royal Death Star? The portents look ominous

Thanksgiving Comet or Royal Death Star? The portents look ominous

London, UK - The Astronomer Royal has issued a DeafCon Two alert about the Thanksgiving Comet as it crosses Queen Elizabeth's natal house of horrors in a sun grazing fly-past tomorrow at noon. Comet Ison's imminent cakewalk takes place exactly 333...

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