Dark Matter "Needs to Lighten Up" Says Head of CERN

Funny story written by Paxton Quigley

Wednesday, 12 December 2018

image for Dark Matter "Needs to Lighten Up" Says Head of CERN
The Hubble telescope has photographed a black hole

"C'est un travail de merde" said normally mild mannered Monsieur Jacques Trounoir, Head of Operations for the Large Hadron Collider at CERN in conversation with The Spoof's European Editor, Plagny Toxique. "We at CERN proved the existence of Higgs boson mais maintentant j'ai just about had enough.

"In recent years qu'est ce que nous had? Une nouvelle detection of gravitational waves and tracing the shape of ripples sent through spacetime when black holes collide. Not us, but ces connards using Ligo, the Laser Interferometer Gravitational-Wave Observatory. What kind of an acronym is that? It sounds like some enfant's building bricks.

"Il y a la probe Martian de NASA InSight. Tout le monde est excité about that one. It's just a fucking space probe. What's your problem? Nothing to do with us again.

"Nous avons eu aussi Voyagers 1 and 2 leaving le système solaire and making it into interstellar space après 40 years. Encore, not us.

"Qu'est ce que c'est nous are working on? Theorists advanced supersymmetry, nicknamed SUSY, to deal with several nagging issues the standard model left unanswered, such as why some elemental particles have mass, how electromagnetism and the strong and weak nuclear forces might once have tied together and, possibly, what dark matter is made of. The relationship between the quarks and leptons that make up matter and the bosons that mediate their interactions and lots more.

"Now that's what I call exciting. I just wish that dark matter would stop hiding"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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