Cesar Sayoc: Just Who Is He? Your Guide To The Mailbomber

Funny story written by Monkey Woods

Saturday, 27 October 2018

image for Cesar Sayoc: Just Who Is He? Your Guide To The Mailbomber
Sayoc's favorite stamp

It's the news that's gripped the whole of the country - and the world - over the past week, 'the man who sent Obama a bomb', but just who is the man responsible, Cesar Sayoc?

Sayoc was born 56 years ago in Aventura, Florida, and never left home until he was 20, even to go to school. His mom tried to force him to go, but he left a 'suspicious package' in her bed.

As a child, Cesar loved to collect stamps. He used to cut used ones from letters his mom received, and would save any 'unfranked' stamps for 'unspecified future projects'.

Cesar's favorite TV program was the children's show 'Postman Pat', but he hated Pat's cat, Jess, and Mrs Goggins, who worked at the Post Office.

He likes music, and was a big fan of Elvis Presley. He would play 'Return To Sender' relentlessly, and also The Carpenters' 'Please, Mr Postman'.

He was a relatively normal teenager, but would 'pull his chud' into empty envelopes, then send them to girls he liked.

He applied to join the postal service, but when, after 6 months, he'd received no reply, he called them. They hadn't received his letter.

Sayoc is an ardent supporter of President Donald Trump, and wants to meet him. He dresses like Trump, talks like Trump, and wears a ridiculous Trump wig. Underneath this thatch, he is as bald as the day he was born.

That's enough of that, I think. (Ed.)

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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