BILLINGSGATE POST: In response to Democrats claiming that President Trump hasn't done enough to stop terrorists from making bombs in the United States, Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders announced today that Carl Spackler has been named Bomb Czar by the President.
Bombing suspect Cesar Sayoc, who liberal pundits claim was lost and angry, but found his tribe with Trump, lived a life most men can only dream of. He slept in a van that stank of gym clothes while working as a floor man inside a smoky gentlemen’s club where neckid dancers like Stormy Daniels gyrated for dollar tips and drunken comments from inebriated voyeurs. Adorned with his soiled MAGA cap, he was a proud man who had dreams that were never manifested. He loved to scream, “Lock Her Up” at his TV screen whenever he saw Hillary’s butt rumbling in her pantsuit like two Bulldogs fighting for a porkchop in a gunnysack. He had memorized many of Carl’s lines in Caddyshack:
“Licensed to kill gophers by the government of the United Nations. Man, free to kill gophers at will. To kill, you must know your enemy, and in this case my enemy is a varmint, And a varmint will never quit-ever. They are like the Vietcong...Varmint Cong. So you have to fall back on superior firepower and superior intelligence. And that’s all she wrote.”
“I smell varmint poontang, and the only good varmint poontang, is dead varmint poontang, I think.”
Spackler, famous for his abortive attempts to blast out the living quarters occupied by a calculating rodent in the movie, Caddyshack, is expected to provide insights to the minds of men like Sayoc. Although Carl was ultimately unsuccessful in his attempts to blow this pest up, it wasn't his fault that the wily rodent was able to dodge death. The President, who claims he has viewed Caddyshack at least a dozen times since he was elected, thinks that Spackler, along with with Slim Everdingle, will “Make America Safe Again.”