WASHINGTON D.C. - Emerging from the heavens amidst a flurry of lightning and ferocious winds, the Old-Testament God, commonly known as Yahweh, descended upon the United States Congress.
“I am the Lord thy God,” Yahweh bellowed, shaking the ground with every syllable. “I am Yahweh your God. And I. Am. PISSED!”
Yahweh explained, “There are far, far too many among you who think it is beneficial to seek out victims of crime and blame them. This dickery will cease here and now, so help Me ME!”
Yahweh angrily explained, “Mortals, you have been gifted with brains, so that you could rise above the other animals, and refrain from such foul behavior as devouring your own feces, mating with your own blood family, and working at Fox News. Your brains are a gift from me. If you want to show your gratitude, then I suggest that you use them!”
Yahweh took a deep breath, pulling debris from all over the city towards him. “So let it be known that, from this moment onward, there shall be 11 Commandments! And the 11th Commandment will be this: 'Thou Shalt Not Engage in Victim Blaming, You Sadistic Morons!'”
“Being the victim of a crime wounds the victim to the very soul,” Yahweh narrated. “And those who would compound on that woe are the lowest of the low, unworthy to lick the belly of a cobra. This may seem harsh, even foreign to some of you. But know this. All who worship Me dearly love the victim of a senseless and brutal murder. Would any mortal care to guess who that might be?”
For one minute, there was utter silence across the nation.
“It was MY SON, you dunderheads!” Yahweh shouted, sending the Washington Memorial flying into the air. “You know... the Guy who you used to revolutionalize torture porn. You'd know that if you actually read the Bible. Or, as you Republicans call it, that thin black book you use to hit people over the head with. You'll notice that, if you open it, it has PAGES. And those pages have WORDS. And if you read those words, you might actually LEARN SOMETHING!”
Yahweh sighed, scattering debris all over the city, then continued, “My Son paid the ultimate price so that my followers would have a clear path to eternal salvation. After My Son's death, there was not a single being, not even Lucifer himself, who would dare to utter anything as imbecilic and depraved as 'What happened to Jesus was a tragedy, but he brought it upon himself for wearing sandals.'”
Yahweh angrily continued, “My Son proclaimed, 'Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers... AND SISTERS... of Mine, you did for Me.' Was He being too subtle for you, mortals? And yet, you have a ruling party that not only preys on the afflicted, they revel in it! They seek to become stronger as a result of it!”
Yahweh turned dark-red, growling, “I'm talking about you, Donald... and Mitch... and Brett... and those who shamelessly lick your feet. The press may show you deference, but I will show you scorn. Your followers may sing your praises, but I will curse your very souls. You may rise to the pinnacles of power on Earth, but I will gleefully slam-dunk your wretched souls into the bowels of Hell with so much force and fury, Lucifer will think that Hell is being attacked by meteors!”
Yahweh took several deep breaths, scattering debris all over the city. Redness fading from his form, Yahweh concluded, “And one more thing: for those of you who believe that religion and science are mutually exclusive, let Me assure you that Heaven is blessed to house the immortal souls of Isaac Newton, Marie Curie, Jonas Salk, and a legion of selfless souls who used their brains... you know, the ones that I made for you... and produced wonders that enriched and furthered their mortal bretheren. So help Me ME, if I have to come down here to make 'Thou Shalt Take Physics Classes' a Commandment, I'll unleash a flurry of plagues upon your nation so merciless and unyielding, it will make what I did to ancient Egypt look like a day in Disneyland!”
Ascending back to the heavens, Yahweh called out, “Climate change is real, the Clintons didn't murder Vince Foster, Elvis is really dead, My last name is not 'Damnit,' and eat your Me-damned vegetables! Even the brussels sprouts! ESPECIALLY THE BRUSSELS SPROUTS!”