Senator McConnell Channels Magneto, Shouts, “DEMOCRATS! WELCOME TO DIE!”

Funny story written by The Loony Liberal

Thursday, 11 October 2018

WASHINGTON D.C. - Senator Mitch McConnell left his fellow politicians confused and terrorized when he took to the podium in Senate chambers, generated an electromagnetic force field, and shouted, “DEMOCRATS! WELCOME TO DIE!”

Senators and staff fled in terror as McConnell fired electromagnetic blasts at Democratic Senators while floating, laughing, and shouting, “DEM CHICKENS!”

As chaos erupted on the streets, Washington DC Chief of Police lamented the inability of her police force to intervene.

“Yes, someone must restore law and order,” Lainer explained. “But there's not a single officer on the force that can even lay a finger on Senator McConnell. After all, he's... he's...”

Lainer finished, “He's a Republican. And laws don't apply to Republicans.”

Once McConnell vacated the Senate chambers, he used magnetic powers to pull a microphone to his outstreched hands. He then spoke, “For too long, I and my Republican brethren have been shackled by the enslavement of the Democrats and their 'laws,' and 'precedents' and 'reality.' Well, I, Mitch McConnell, the Master of Magnetism, say, 'No more!'”

“I will erect a nation in space,” McConnell explained. “And it will be called, 'Asteroid R.' It will be like a paradise the likes of which the universe has never known. And from Asteroid R, we will bombard the Earth with tremendous force and fury! The Democrats will pay for what they did to Abramoff! And Ney! And DeLay! And Libby! And Stockman! And Ryan! And Arpaio!”

McConnell raised his arms upward, shouting, “Come to me, my GOP brothers and sisters! For today is the beginning of the end for those accursed liberals! Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!”

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...the author is going to go grab a bottle of water. Readers are advised to make use of their scroll-bars.

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Reactions to McConnell's power play have been mixed.

The New York Times columnist David Brooks responded, “Yes, Senator McConnell is now a power-hungry supervillain who will commit unfathomable acts of destruction and carnage. But Michael Moore made a move that makes fun of Republicans. So both sides are to blame.”

Last Week Tonight's Jon Oliver lamented, “I've had nightmares about this moment. The Republicans have generated so much high-density bullshit, their lies have ripped apart the space-time continuum. Unless Jon Stewart has Superman or Doctor Who on speed-dial, we are utterly and thoroughly fucked.”

President Trump, surprisingly, was crestfallen. “It's not fair!” Trump whined. “I'm the president! I'm the one that's supposed to have the superpowers! Mitch gets mastery of magnetism, and all I have are these nuclear missiles that no one will let me use! Throw me a bone, people! Can't I fire just one? Who's going to miss Hollywood?”

Real Time with Bill Maher's Bill Maher, too, was in low spirits. “Well, time to call it quits,” Maher lamented. “Republicans have officially made news satire obsolete. There's already a ticker on CNN how Senator Paul, dressed as a clown, slammed a custard cream pie in Senator Ellison's face. As for me, I'm debating whether to open a cannabis shop or write a book filled with knock-knock jokes.”

And Marvel icon Stan Lee, too, was depressed to hear of McConnell's actions. “If I knew the antonym to 'Excelsior,' I would certainly use it. We take flack for overusing the phrase, 'With great power, there must also come great responsibility.' It was true long before Senator McConnell went mad with power, and now, it may become the inscription of our sad world's tombstone.”

Meanwhile, in Earth-616, Max Eisenhardt, a.k.a. Magneto, guest-starred on The Sean Hannity Show and spent the majority of the show berating the X-Men for being “an unruly mob,” claiming that Psylocke was a “shrieking harpy that tried to ruin the reputation of the Hand,” and warned that the X-Men would face severe repercussions if they did not win the House and the Senate in the midterm elections.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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