Brett Kavanaugh Transforms Into The Hulk

Funny story written by Brett Taylor

Monday, 1 October 2018

image for Brett Kavanaugh Transforms Into The Hulk
Kavanaugh smash!

The floor of the Senate was the site of a series of astonishing superhero-related battles as Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh transformed into The Incredible Hulk before the astonished eyes of the assembled Senate Judiciary Committee and the news media.

Mr. Kavanaugh's speech began in a somber tone as Kavanaugh summarized the accusations of sexual abuse against him. "Less than two weeks ago," he said, Dr. (Christine Blasey) Ford publicly accused me of committing wrongdoing at an event more than 36 years ago when we were both in high school. I denied the allegation immediately, categorically and unequivocally."

As Kavanaugh spoke, he grew visibly embittered and tense. His neck seemed to pop at times, and his face was overtaken by a look of great strain. "How dare you attack me?" he ranted. "This is all the work of the Democrats! The Revenge of the Clintons!" The Revenge of the Clintons, incidentally, is the name of the upcoming Marvel movie which centers on the universe-destroying battle between the two groups of superheroes, the Republicans and the Democrats.

The speech was expected to be tense, but few were prepared for what transpired. As Kavanaugh grew more and more outraged, his skin appeared to turn green. His shirt was soon torn asunder and his purple pants were ripped as well. His speech, alternately combative and self-pitying, grew somewhat incoherent, yet he still got his point across. "Kavanaugh angry!" he said. "You make Kavanaugh very mad!"

Kavanaugh-Hulk's tirade was briefly interrupted when he was confronted by the dignified and venerable superheroine known as Lady Liberty, who stood before the Hulk while holding two scales of Justice. One held a weighty stone tablet titled "Church," while the other held a similar item marked "State." The Hulk was not impressed. "Kavanaugh hate separation of Church and State," he raged. "Kavanaugh smash!" he shouted as he bashed the two tablets together, causing them to shatter and scatter across the Senate floor, where they soon disintegrated and formed an indistinguishable mass.

A moment of added drama occurred after the speech when Lindsey Graham appeared to give suggestions and even directions to Mr. Kavanaugh. "That's it, Kavanaugh!" he was heard to say. "Keep doing my evil bidding. Soon the Supreme Court will be all ours. Ours! No woman will dare to report a sexual assault again!" Mr. Graham was noted to be wearing a blue and purple cape and lending much credence to the speculation that he is the mysterious supervillain known only as The Senator. He is also known to wear a helmet emblazoned with the letters "GOP." This helmet is said to be made of a powerful alloy that allows Mr. Graham to be impervious to concerns of women, which many conservatives consider to be the Senator's most powerful superpower. Some claimed to see Graham zap Kavanaugh in the head with a powerfully focused beam of conservative ideology and partisan fury.

As the hearing wound down, Kavanaugh quickly returned to normal. Before anyone knew it, he was again wearing a neatly-pressed conservative suit, and appeared smiling and upbeat.

Afterward, Senator Mitch McConnell spoke to the news media. "Ah reckon Mistah Kavanaugh has done us all proud today," the senator spoke, with a manful shake of waddles of neck fat. "He'll make one heck of a Supreme Court Justice." Mr. McConnell is of course known to be The Turtle, a decrepit but occasionally surprisingly agile and adept superhero.

Donald Trump likewise proclaimed himself to be impressed. "It reminded me of wrestling," the President said. "It really did. Really great. Everyone knew it was something. That's the kind of guy I want in the Supreme Court."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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