FBI Report on Kavanaugh gets Sir Speedy Award for 'no-stone-unturned' investigation

Funny story written by joseph k winter

Friday, 5 October 2018

image for FBI Report on Kavanaugh gets Sir Speedy Award for 'no-stone-unturned' investigation
Confirmed: This photo from his yearbook NOT Mr. Kavanaugh's thumb

Ordered to further investigate Mr. Kavanaugh over a six day period, the FBI is now up for the Sir Speedy DDI (“due diligence investigation”) Award for 2018.

The award is reputed for its “no-stone-unturned” and “no-keg-ignored” approach to Supreme Court candidates.

At a rally last night, Mr. Trump apparently referred to Rod Rosenstein, Deputy Attorney General, in what might be related:

“Well, you know, Rod and I had to come to some kind of a deal. And now I’m really in love with the guy, as well as Kim over there in North Korea.”

(A month ago Mr. Rosenstein was on the hot spot for apparently seeking to get Mr. Trump replaced, and on the verge of being fired.)

Early Thursday morning, the FBI presented its 1,000-page report to senators leading the Kavanaugh confirmation committee.

Each senator had one hour to review the report’s meticulous findings.

After a glance or two, Republican senators were reassured:

“Despite our reservations over possible shenanigans with FBI agents in the Russia-gate investigation,” Senator Graham remarked, “we are happy with results this time.”

Senator Grassley added: “Mr. Kavanaugh is as clean as a whistle.”

During the six-day period, agents worked at a non-stop pace.

Due to filing some 200 pages per day of reports, additional to investigating witnesses, agents were reported puffing and red-faced but still “game and ready for more.”

This grueling routine meant 24-hour shifts with short breaks only at McDonald’s and Dunkin’ Donuts.

As to a torrent of those coming forward to say Mr. Kavanaugh was no altar boy back in the old days, the FBI is “entirely satisfied on this matter.”

A spokesperson noted: “The atmosphere of frat-boy-style partying and aggression back then, was harmless pranks by juveniles only.”


Holding down and groping the female was as innocent as hide and go seek games from childhood.

Indeed, Mr. Kavanaugh (as he claimed) was a virgin and devoted church-goer at the time.

That he was also something of a “water boy at the trough,” an allusion to his frat-boy leadership in getting 100 kegs of beer consumed in one academic year, was “a mistaken impression.”

This Sir Speedy DDI Trophy is a miniature statue of J. Edgar Hoover shaking hands with former president Richard Nixon and the inscription: “Liars beware!”

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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