US President Donald Trump today compared tropical hurricane Florence with Stormy Daniels, the woman he gave a big wad of cash to for absolutely no reason.
Broadcasting live from the White House, Trump warned east coast residents to prepare to evacuate in preparation for the megastorm hitting in the next two days. "Yes, Florence is going to blow you even harder than Stormy blew me. I can tell you she blew me very, very hard, very hard. In fact, she blew me away. I was so blown it took me a week to get my quiff back on top of my head and I couldn't walk straight."
Pressed by journalists for more details, Trump went on to say "If you can't evacuate, then you need to take your mattress and get in your cellar. When Stormy came over, we didn't use the cellar, but, man, my mattress saved the day, because Stormy was blowing me so violently my head was hitting the floor and the walls faster than a suicide victim falling off the Trump Tower, and my leopardskin mankini got ripped off. It was only the mattress that saved me from major brain damage, well most of it.
Following the announcement, the President immediately left the White House with First Lady Melanoma, for their first visit to Alaska, where they'll stay until Florence has blown herself out.