WASH, AC/DC—Senator Eliza Beth War On wants to invoke the US Constitution's 25th Amendment, which allows Congress to remove the president if he (or she—not that there's ever been a “she” in the office, unless either Eleanor Roosevelt or Barack Obama counts) is deemed unable to execute his or her (see previous parenthetic note) duties.
War On says President Donald Rump is incapacitated because “he's crazier than a loon, and his mental illness makes him unfit to wipe my ass, let alone serve as the president of the United States.”
Asked for evidence to support her astonishing claim, War On replied, “Just because I'm a Native American—I was born here—he calls me 'Pocahontas.' In America, citizens have the right to identify as anyone or, for that matter, anything, they want to be, but aren't. A white woman can be a black woman, or a black man, if she wants. A white man can be a white woman, or a black woman, if he wants. A friend of mine thinks he's Napoleon Bonaparte, and, of course, that's her right. In America, we're all free to be whomever or whatever we desire. From now on, every other Tuesday, I'm a lesbian gay bisexual transgender question mark—and, of course, a Native American tribe.”
Some have suggested that War On may have some mental problems of her own.
“She seems to have a borderline personality disorder,” psycho-analyst Ziggy Freud diagnosed, “a condition marked by struggles with identity issues. Reportedly, she's been trying to 'find herself' for almost seven decades. She's been a Republican and a Democrat, been married twice, attended three universities, taught college, been a character in a Michael More mockumentary, and been English, Cherokee, Blackfoot, Sioux, Cheyenne, Arapaho, and Zulu.”
War On said she's not sure how to invoke the 25th Amendment. “I don't know if we use bell, book, and candle, like the Catholics, or just purge him, the way Stalin and Hitler silenced their opponents, but one thing's for sure: for the good of the country, Donald Rump has to go. Otherwise, how am I ever going to become the first Native American LGBTQ president?”