Tuesday, 15 May 2018

Sarah Huckabee Sanders announced in a special press conference today that Donald Trump has resolved the ballot language issue with Russian President Vladimir Putin. After months of negotiations and bribery Putin has agreed to add to American election ballots.

Initially Putin insisted that Russian is the only useful language for U.S. ballots. A Putin spokesperson said that English can be confusing for Russians who do not speak it very well and could detract from their primary job of interrupting American elections.

“You must understand that Russians are already working at a disadvantage. They have to spend good money on fake paperwork to set up their registrations. Americans have it easy. All they have to do is show their ID, birth certificate and proof that they vote for Republicans.”

Sanders stated that Americans who are allowed to vote will have the option of selecting English on their voting machines. The deal hinges on the size of font. The treaty between the two countries is expected to allow the English words to be up to 6-point font. If it is larger Putin will revoke the option for Americans to vote altogether.

Putin did, however, offer Trump an unexpected crumb. He has approved a one-time grant from the U.S. government to states to purchase magnifying glasses as optional equipment on voting booths.

Trump himself tweeted that “this deal is the real deal and nobody could ever get a better deal, the best deal anyone could ever get, because I alone know the art of the deal.” Four hours later Trump tweeted that the deal may be delayed until further notice to give the Russian government time to add English back onto the ballot. It is a small favor for my friend Vlad, who is a good guy.” In another tweet, Trump added, “We will have this worked out by the time Baron inherits the crown and I can finally play golf every weekend.”

Sean Hannity praised the President for the deal, saying with a big smirk, “Donny really put one over on Putin. I don’t know how he pulled off that kind of deal. “

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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