Gina Haspel to Senators: How about I roast your nuts with hundreds of thousands of volts?

Funny story written by Jas Guipe

Friday, 11 May 2018

In a closed Senate hearing Wednesday morning, President Trump’s pick to head the CIA, Gina Haspel, made abundantly clear what failure to confirm her nomination would mean. The grandmotherly figure who at the outset of the hearing presented committee members with a heaping tray of freshly baked oatmeal cookies caught them a little off guard as questioning began.

“How would you respond to a President Trump order to torture terror detainees?” asked Senator Warner of Virginia.

“Well, Senator, how would you respond to my umbrella jammed forcibly up your rectum?” she replied, carefully placing the object on the table top equidistant between her notes and the table’s right edge.

A little confused but unfazed, Senator Harris decided to take a different approach, “Ms. Haspel, if confirmed would you release all the CIA documents related to its enhanced interrogation program?”

Adjusting her glasses and removing a tiny speck of lint from the front of her dress, the gentle career intelligence officer replied, “No, Senator, but I will release an army of demons to mercilessly torment your days and fill your nights with unspeakable horrors. Oh, and by the way, I dosed your cookies.”

Confirmation by the full Senate is expected next week.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more