Planned Auction of Jesus Crucifixion Nails upset Christians, NRA

Funny story written by Silent Do Bad

Friday, 27 May 2016

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The National Rifle Association and the Christian Coalition have expressed outrage and organized a string of demonstrations outside the home of retired Governor of Rome, Pontus Pilate. Gov. Pilate has drawn the ire of conservative groups because of reports of his plan to auction the nails used to kill Jesus, an unarmed, blonde-haired, blue-eyed socialist Jew.

"Clearly, Pilate has no moral low. For him to try and make a profit from the killing of an unarmed man is just flat out disgusting." said presidential candidate and husband of a Goldman Sachs wealth manager, Senator Ted Cruz. He was speaking to a group of Evangelical Christians during his tour of an economic rigging factory on Wall Street.

Pontus Pilate's planned auction, to be conducted on the internet, has put lawmakers at the U.S. Capitol under pressure from groups, led by the NRA, to pass common sense hardware legislation to reduce the number of deaths by nailing. Companies such as Home Depot and Lowes, the largest retailer of nails, have begun pushing back against the calls for nail control which includes background checks for anyone shopping at the nation's two largest home improvement stores.

"We're gonna do everything in our power to defend the constitution because the only way the government can take my nails, is out of my cold, dead, hands!" said Home Depot CEO, Craig Menear to a thunderous round of applause.

"I decided to auction the nails because I got sick and tired of hearing pastors talk about them in church," Pilate explained his reasoning in the only interview he has given since news of his planned auction broke out on Good Friday. He was asked about his thoughts on reports that Jesus' mother, Virgin Mary, was seen crying in front of a Spanish-speaking stranger at her home inside the Catholic Church.

"Perhaps she should've raised him right instead of allowing him run around giving universal healthcare, feeding the poor and bad mouthing people using a place of worship to make money for their own gain. That's her fault and I was the only one who saw the look in her son's eyes, it was scary," Pilate said.

When he was asked to elaborate on what was scary about the look in Jesus' eyes "he had that look, like he wanted to save mankind from injustice and corruption," Pilate explained.

Presumptive presidential nominee, Donald Trump, has also weighed in on the controversy saying "we have to take a look at it, perhaps I'll call for a ban of all Mexicans working there until we figure out what the heck is going on".

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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