Washington, D.C. - A recent study conducted by the U.S. Justice Department found that arrest rates for crimes of all sorts, in every major metropolitan area in the last five years, were way, way up! And the key reason seems to be the ridiculous fashion trend of wearing your pants down around your knees.
Police who completed the survey, conducted in Dunkin' Donuts parking lots around the 20 biggest cities in America, all agreed that criminals are just so much easy to catch these days, now that they have unanimously decided to handicapped themselves in this underwear-showing way.
Officer Chuck Lardoh, of the Charlotte, North Carolina Police Department explained it like this, in between his favorite jelly-glazed treats. "I mean, look at me! I hadn't caught a single bad guy in the years leading up to this low-riding pants craze. Now, I'm catching bad guys all the time! Just last week, a shop-lifting suspect was getting away from me, then his pants dropped around his ankles, and I just fell on top of him. It's so easy now! Thanks Justin Beaver. Is that his name? Who cares, I'm telling ya, my job has gotten a lot easier!"
The study reveals that crimes ranging from bike theft to homicides are uniformly up over 80%-a figure that had puzzled law-makers until the study was completed. The fashion trend favored by gang-bangers and pop-stars alike, topped every equipment upgrade from tazers to tanks, when it comes to making police work easier. "We've spent billions of dollars trying to make our streets safer," explained Dexter Dataman, who oversaw the survey. "And all it took was a clothing fad that started in jail of all places," he added, laughing at the irony.
"The only thing that could be better, would be if they all decide to start tying their shoelaces together," added Officer Lardho, licking jelly off of his squad car's steering wheel. "I just hope to god that Spandex jogging suits don't become the next big trend, or I'm friggin' screwed!"