Homeowners must provide pamphlets guiding potential burglars to high value items

Funny story written by Jack Bromby

Sunday, 27 March 2016

image for Homeowners must provide pamphlets guiding potential burglars to high value items

In a major victory for a campaign run by The Sunday Telegraph, the Department for Justice will move to bring in a new law protecting criminals who break into people's houses.

Ahead of the new law being introduced in the House of Lords this week, Chris Grayling, the Justice Secretary, declared today that the changes will give burglars the protection that they need - the confidence that the law will be on their side".

He adds: "Now the deal will be this: if you are a homeowner you will be legally required to create a pamphlet directing any potential burglar to the whereabouts of your highest value items. This could include the location of your car keys or any expensive jewelry you might own."

The move follows a string of high-profile cases in which burglars who broke into houses had difficulty finding anything of high value to steal.

In the most recent case, in September, full time burglar Russell Stapleton was burgling a house in Mansfield, Nottinghamshire, when he was unable to find anything worth stealing and couldn't even figure out the combination for a safe in the spare bedroom. As a result financial experts have estimated that Mr Stapleton lost out on £500 he could have made that night.

This newspaper has campaigned under the slogan "The Right To Steal From Others" for greater legal protection for burglars. The campaign has won the support of many current and future criminals.

John Harrison, a Conservative MP, said: "This has been a very long time coming. At last burglars in my constituents will be properly protected.

"Burglars are hard working people just like you and me trying to make a living, by taking the property of other hard working people."

Under the new law, homeowners will be forced to design a pamphlet or leaflet which will act as a guide for potential burglars advising on where all high value property is kept including location of car keys, the combination or code to any safe kept on the property, and also the alarm code if the house is equipped with one.

Furthermore, the document must also contain a full map of the house, colour coded with "areas of interest" for burglars. Pamphlets should be located next to all entry and exit points of the house including the front and back door and all windows. If a homeowner catches a burglar in their house, then they must legally offer them a cup of coffee or tea and biscuits and co-operate with them to make their job easier.

Homeowners could be jailed for up to six months for failing to co-operate with burglars.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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