Written by anamatopoeia

Monday, 30 November 2015

image for Prison Guard Love Tap Mistaken For Mistreatment
Officer Mauldin's Happy House

On November 11, a prison guard was highly mistaken for hitting an inmate so ferociously that it almost killed him. James Mauldin, a prison guard at the local county prison, was convicted late last night.

He said that he was only showing the inmate affection with no intention of drastic harm. "The inmate wouldn't come to the bars like I asked him to, so I went in there and gave him a little love tap no bigger than a hug," said James Mauldin.

James's coworkers were astonished to hear about the conviction, and they have had nothing but great things to say about him. Even other prison guards went as far as to say James Mauldin was only a giving man. He always gave the inmates candies and sweets called "Sucker punches" and "Kickers" at random times and for no apparent reasons.

Another inmate by the name of Earl Smith said that James was such a generous man, and he didn't know why people thought he would mistreat people. "He's such an inspiring man. He stays at the prison 24/7 passing out his candies and makes sure the prisoners don't get poisoned by eating their food and throwing it away so they don't die. If that's not a giving man, then I don't know what is," said Earl.

James Mauldin has also been noted to testify on behalf of many of his prisoners at their parole hearing. He would make sure that the judges knew exactly how good the prisoners would be after their release. Inmate #8675309 gave us a great example of how James Mauldin is just a saint. "During my case, he told the judge how clean I kept the cars after I stole them and that it was so clean he couldn't even find my fingerprints," said Inmate #8675309.

Another inmate, #1, had great things to say. He explained the night that James thought he saw him robbing a bank and arrested him. "I was just walking by the bank, and he said it looked like I was stealing the money. I know how good of a man he is, so I figured he was right. He's such a great man. I wouldn't be where I am today without him," said inmate #1.

Mauldin's trial will kick off next Wednesday.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Topics: Prison




Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
35 readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more