Bernie Sanders Responds To Critics In A Wide Ranging Interview

Funny story written by Don Grapper

Wednesday, 8 July 2015

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Bernie Sanders Denied Reports That During An Acid Trip As An Undergraduate He Thought He Was A Rodent

Whitehaven, Vermont - Under increased scrutiny, Bernie Sanders sat down with a reporter from the New York Post to answer his critics.

On why he is so popular in predominantly "white, middle class" towns with left-wing universities in them:

"My views resonate strongly with closet racists."

On whether his dramatic tax hike proposals on "the rich" will simply encourage them to make less money to avoid higher tax rates:

"I don't understand the question."

On why he supports gun rights for the people of Vermont but not for cities like Chicago and New York:

"I think only white people should have guns."

On newspaper articles he wrote during his college days that included his own rape fantasies and his view that all women fantasize about being raped by Huns:

"Just thinking about it would give me a boner if I had taken a viagra before this interview."

On whether he still believes, as he stated in other articles, that cervical cancer is caused by not having enough orgasms:

"My views on that matter have evolved: I now believe cervical cancer is caused by having too many orgasms."

On National Defense:

"My policy would be to have none."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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