Written by Matt Birkenhauer

Monday, 6 July 2015

image for Two Killed, Seven Injured in the Quadrennial Running of the Republicans

WASHINGTON, D.C.-This week in downtown Washington, two people were killed and seven injured in the quadrennial melee known as the Running of the Republicans. Rare in the Running of the Republicans, one bull was also killed when he was gored by another bull taking part in the event, which takes place every four years in honor of San Ronaldo Reagan, the patron saint of high deficits and one percenters.

The origin of the event, according to Wickedpedia, "comes from the need to transport the presidential candidates from the off-site corrals where they had spent the night, to the stage where they would be making their stump speeches to potential voters." Furthermore, according to Wickedpedia, "the potential voters would jump among them to show off their naïveté." This year's Running of fifteen bulls and one cow will help determine the lucky ten who will take part in the FOX-sponsored debate on August 6.

One bull, Scott Walker, gored to death another bull, Rand Paul, who is expected to be buried in a potter's field outside of Washington, D. C., as a way of saving taxpayers the expense of burying the Libertarian icon.

As for the two people killed in the event, one was killed by Donald Trump, who gored an illegal immigrant, shouting as he attacked the innocent bystander, employed at the time as a landscaper at the Capitol Building, "Take that, you rapacious moocher! Go back to Mexico where you belong!"

One unfortunate attendee, from New Jersey, was killed when one of the bulls, Chris Christie, got tired and sat down on the unnamed individual.

Of the seven injuries at the Running of the Republicans, five were minor contusions requiring no hospitalization, though two of them were serious brain injuries, which, nevertheless, are not expected to have any major effect on the two potential GOP voters in 2016.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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