Written by Michael Balton

Monday, 25 May 2015

image for Candidate Sanders picks Colonel Sanders for VEEP slot
Brooklyn Bernie teams with the Kentucky Colonel.

Burlington, Vermont -- Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders has selected deceased fast food mogul Col. Harlan David Sanders as his vice presidential running mate.

Asked to describe the "flavor" of their campaign, Col. Sanders said: "It tastes like chicken." To which Bernie added: "And it smells like socialism. But however you slice it, it's not chopped liver."

The independent Senator from Vermont invited the nation to do the math. "Wall Street's 1% may have grabbed over 90% of America's wealth, but now we have the Colonel's secret blend of seven herbs and spices. That results in 100% satisfaction, which means we get all of the votes."

Speaking from the grave, Col. Sanders used a series of chicken pot pie charts to illustrate his thoughts. He pointed out that his addition to the ticket gives Sanders the edge when it comes to red state/blue state tallies.

"I respect all human beings and barnyard dwellers, regardless of the color of their state," Sanders said. "Besides which we're going to give away a free bucket of extra crispy to every man, woman and child who casts a vote for the Sanders ticket."

Sen. Sanders pointed out that KFC has a long history of supporting the 99%. "While the big banks were restricting the pecking order for their cash grabs, Kentucky Fried created the concept of free ranging chickens. Today, the company allows its poultry inventory to do whatever the hell it wants to do. We even allow them to ingest small amounts of marijuana. That means we're putting a little pot in every chicken."

Wall Street's reaction to the launch of a dual Sanders presidential bid was evidenced in a sharp drop in giblets futures. "Analysts are also taking a closer look at the other white meat," explained one trader. "Sunday dinner may never be the same."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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