Los Angeles, CA - In an effort to keep up with the times and not slide down the grease sewer of bankruptcy, McDonald's is rolling out implementation of their latest marketing gimmick.
"We've poured hundreds of millions of dollars into this project - probably billions!" said Ray Crock Jr. Jr. Jr., the Great Great Grandson of the struggling chain's Founder. "And what we've found with all that darn marketing research is that it has become almost impossible to serve food to your average Californian without at least a 5 minute conversation at the cashier stand.
Crock Jr. Jr. Jr. and his team studied the time it takes an average customer to come into the restaurant and place and order, and it seems that Californians, with their fast-paced lifestyles, actually end up taking the longest to order, by far! "You see?" said an exasperated Crock Jr. Jr. Jr. "It's and endless cycle of questions, like: 'Do you have extra-firm tofu?' or 'Does that come with sprouted wheat barley?" Crock explained, throwing his hands up in the air. "Where the hell do these people think they are?"
The solution: "Make-It-Yo-Damn-Self," says Jr. Jr. Jr.
"It's perfect for today's busy Californian," explains Crock. "You simply drive up to the valet, give them your keys in exchange for a paper hat and smock and you're in the back door! Don't like the way we do it? Then do it yo' damn self!"
Crock Jr. Jr. Jr. sees the entire move as staying one step ahead of the competition. "We've got an endless team of recent college grads from UCLA and USC working on this, and they are collectively the whiniest, most self-absorbed humans I have ever come across, so I feel like we have a good representation of the greater Los Angeles Area in our employ. They all want something different - and none of them know exactly what it is! And that's exactly what we are going to give them," added Jr.
If "Make-It-Yo-Damn-Self" proves to be popular, McDee's plans to move on to other whiny-ass markets as well, although Crock admits nervously that it might be hard to find any place on earth with bigger 'cry-babies' than Los Angeles.
You can expect to start seeing "Make-It-Yo-Damn-Self" Locations start to pop up around Los Angeles this spring. With it's giant middle-finger signage, they shouldn't be too hard to miss.
And, if you do want fries with that? Crock Jr. Jr. Jr. says, "Well, you'll know who to ask... Make Them Yo Damn Self!"