Washington, DC -- Unannounced presidential candidate Hillary Clinton had more than a few good reasons for operating her own email server while she served as Secretary of State. Unfortunately, they were all on that server, which has malfunctioned and is down for repairs.
Not having access to the facts hasn't stopped the nation's lawmakers, however. The Congressional Subcommittee on Half-Truths & Fabrications has issued a hardcopy list of soft assertions and educated guesses as to why the Secretary of State installed her own email system.
Among the possibilities:
Couldn't pass up the free year of Showtime.
"Does this mean they're going to start looking for that dead forest ranger again?"
She didn't want to give up her AOL Christmas card list.
High-definition pornography takes up a lot of memory.
"When did the Nazis get voted in?"
Doesn't want to have anything to do with that creepy CIA director.
"Where was A-Rod during all of this?"
Concealing her crush on Edward Snowden.
"Clap on. Clap off. Ask James Clapper. He has collected everyone's data. And by data, I do mean high definition porn."
"Nixon made 18 minutes disappear. Can we do that to John Boehner?"
"It got lost in the fog. I mean the cloud… Lost in the cloud."
"Thanks for the Benghazi, but NyQuil works fine."