Washington, DC -- The Federal Election Commission is distributing a campaign necessity kit to candidates for President of the United States. The multifaceted toolbox is being provided in lieu of cash.
The FEC has the task of distributing federal finance funds to the presidential contenders, but money is tight and Congress is tighter. Both the House and Senate refused to approve the campaign finance package which was created for next year's presidential elections. They voted for the creation of the campaign kit instead.
As a result, the presidential candidates are expected to be short on cash and long on the kind of tchotchkes you'd expect to find in a presidential campaign support kit. Among the items...
A Stetson hat. That the candidate can throw into the ring. Corny? Yes! But don't say that to Lyndon Johnson or Ronald Reagan, both of whom wore 10 gallon hats to enhance their cowboy images.
Four-year supply of fortune cookies. Fortune cookies are as American as apple pie, created by the same kitchen that brought us Ricearoni. Today, they are a valuable source of one-liners that the candidate can use to tickle the short attention spans of the American citizenry. Confucius say "beware military-industrial complex." Or was that an Eisenhower line?
Magic eight ball. The outlook is good for this popular prognostication device to serve as the candidate's campaign manager and chief of staff. Best attribute: only speaks when spoken to.
Weed seed. Enough to grow the grassroots side of the voter base. Of course, it's up to the candidate to provide a continuous amount of verbal fertilizer to keep the turf together.
A squad of life-size inflatable Secret Service dolls. More reliable than living Secret Service agents, who have their own idea of how to "service" the public. Inflatable prostitute dolls not included.
Broadway chorus line. It will come in handy on those numerous occasions when the candidate is required to dance around the truth.
1960s vintage Lincoln limo. Just like JFK used to zoom around the country in. Just remember to activate the bulletproof bubble before you begin your joyride. And steer clear of grassy knolls.
Sunblock rated 65 or higher. To protect the candidate's skin from the glow of a bright idea or the flash of a nuclear blast, whichever comes first.
Your personal email file server. Don't worry about hooking it up. It's only going to be confiscated by the NSA and exiled to Russia.
A Citizens United gift certificate. Money can't buy happiness, but it can sure power up your standings in the polls. That will be one soul, please.