Written by Michael Egan

Tuesday, 13 January 2015

Washington--Republican firebrand Ted Cruz said today that "like those guys on TV," he too was "Jesus Charlie." He went on to denounce President Obama's recent proposal giving workers two free years of community college as "Obamacare for education."

Cruz said that "ObamaEd," as he labelled it, "shreds America's God-given right to ignorance" by tearing down the "constitutional fire wall" between voters and anything resembling critical thinking. "The last thing we want is an educated electorate," he explained.

The Texas senator revealed that "among Professor Obama's secret plans" were "F-Panels," where students could "Fail" and then be required to "repeat" or take a course again.

"Giving students an F for not knowing or understanding anything is the worst kind of jackbooted, Nazi-style liberalism," Cruz said. "Apart from encouraging binge drinking and 'Cosbyism,' it will also inevitably lead to Grandparent Grief Syndrome," the reluctant withholding of graduation gifts.

"Not surprisingly," Cruz noted, "the GOP's view is that ignorance is bliss. In Texas we make sure of it, right there in our school text books--distorted facts and half-truths, Eurocentric spin, pages torn out, straight-out lies about history.

"As for literature," he said, holding up a worn copy of One Fish, Two Fish, "would you read it on a train?"

Cruz went on: "Ignorance was good for the voters in 2014 and it will certainly be good for me again when I'm running for president next year."

Senator Cruz, who is often compared to the late Joseph McCarthy, claimed that "Obama's communist-inspired colleges and their Islamo-Marxist curricula," would "almost certainly" result in the resurgence of the Ebola virus, the continued spread of Muslimism, more attacks on American soil by ISIS fighters, Communism, a new flood of diseased children coming across our southern borders, and widespread coughing thanks to the availability of Cuban cigars.

He went on to predict that the president's initiative, like his immigration plans and Obamacare itself, "would inevitably lead to the rise of transparently ambitious, smooth-talking demagogues willing to exploit anything to advance their shallow political careers.

"Couple that with a few hundred billion from the Kochs and their friends," he added feelingly, "and let's face it the future is anyone's grab. Guess. Anyone's guess."

Besides, Obama's free two-year colleges, Cruz said, would inevitably produce graduates so intellectually twisted, emotionally deformed and morally desensitized, they would actually deny medicine to dying combat veterans, or food stamps to a starving child.

"I mean, take me, for example," Cruz proudly concluded. "And I went to Harvard."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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