Archaeologists Unearth Incredible Jesus Document

Funny story written by Auntie Matter

Tuesday, 23 December 2014

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Was He ever Really Here?

An investigation into the execution of Jesus Christ was commissioned by the Jerusalem Council after his death. In a remarkable find, archaeologists digging in Jerusalem have come across an actual transcript of the minutes of that historic council meeting.

The following members of the council... Rabbis Joachim, Saul and Jacob present their findings to chairman Moses Ishmael.

Moses: So, let me get this clear. Jesus the Nazarene whom we all ... er... know, was held at Herod's palace dungeon's on the outskirts of the city, is that correct?
Saul: Yes, milord.
Moses: We will enter that in. And Pontius Pilate was called in from Caesarea to interrogate him?
Jacob: That is true milord. He was called away from a hunting expedition.
Moses: What he was called away from is of no concern of mine. He represents His Divinity Tiberius Caesar, is not this the case?
Joachim: Yes, this is the case.
Moses: And the procurator had his captive scourged: Is this correct?
Saul: A point of order milord, the word "scourge" implies a mild punishment whereas, according to my information, a whip of nails was in fact used on the miscreant.
Joachim: I object milord! I would demand that Sanhedrin Saul present evidence for his statement. My understanding is that the malfaisant was justly punished.
Saul: Eyewitness accounts, that I have here before me milord, state categorically that the man's back was torn to shreds to the extent that his ribs were clearly exposed. That would imply whipping. Scourging is much less severe; but that in turn depends on how often the whip is used. In the Nazarene's case I have it on oath from eye witnesses that he was whipped to within an inch of his life by a group of men who were intent on a response of any description and would not cease until they had brought forth such a response. Jesus apparently did not give them that satisfaction and uttered not a word throughout his ordeal; hence the longevity and severity of the whipping.
Moses: We must decide gentlemen that the condemned was scourged or whipped. Unfortunately no clear definitions of these terms are entered into Judaistic law. So we must abjure on our conclusions in the matter. He was justly "punished", we will agree, in accord with Roman and Jewish law; and we may now put firmly on record. His body was taken from the cross.. and I am keen to know the outcome of the coroner's report.
Joachim: There isn't one milord.
Moses: Why is that?
Saul: There was no body.
Moses: No body? Don't be absurd! There's always a body. I am a married man. Take it from me, there's always a body.
Joachim: His disciples stole it milord.
Jacob: It disappeared.
Moses: This is preposterous gentlemen! Which is it?.. It was stolen... or it disappeared?
Jacob: Well, we may never know milord. It is a question of faith, one way or the other.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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