Written by rfreed

Saturday, 10 January 2015


The story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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The three Islamic assassins who killed French citizens at Charlie Hebdo and a Jewish delicatessen arrive at the destination they had given their lives for, the Jihadist heaven promised them. An angel greets them as they arrive.

"Welcome gentlemen. I hope your journey was peaceful."

"Hardly!" stated Said Kouachi sarcastically. "We got our shit shot to pieces."

"You can say that again." Said Cherif Kouachi exhaustedly. "But all is good now! We are going to enter the Paradise that had been promised to us by the Imams."

"Indeed you are!" said the angel, opening the huge door to their destination. "Enter right this way!"

The three men enthusiastically go in. What they see on the other side stops them in their paces. Before them lay a scene of utter chaos. A fierce war was being waged with bombs being thrown and bullets whizzing by. Men and women are killing and tearing each other apart in so many various ways. Shouts of anger at foes and the screams of the recipients of shattering metal howl throughout the landscape. Splatters of blood lay everywhere, as well as human flesh separated from the skeletons that they once clothed. Internal organs now externalized lay roped on the ground. The maimed and dying beg them for help or for the blessing of death.

"What is this?" exclaimed Amedy Coulibaly, the third terrorist. "This can surely not be heaven!"

"Oh, it very much is! We custom make each bit of heaven to exactly what each deceased person coming to us likes the most. In your case you enjoyed mayhem and the shedding of blood. That was the thing you wanted most in life. So that is now what you get for all eternity! We try to make everyone happy!"

"But…..but…….but…." stammered the three men, "we thought heaven was supposed to be blissful!"

"Oh, it is! We give to you now the bliss you sought on earth! Here are your Kalashnikovs." He hands them the weapons. "Now you are free to live out your deepest worldly fantasies forever. And here….." he reaches back, grabs three first aid kits and hands it to them, "is the last thing you will need. Have fun! I must lock you in now!" The angel quickly swings the doors shut in their bewildered faces.

"I really don't understand what they see in all this carnage." The angel says to himself as he leaves. "I would think they could find nicer ways to spend all eternity!"

He could hear new howls as he walked away.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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