Washington - A new study by the Centers for Disease Control has found that the common "get well" card is the leading carrier of the deadly Ebola virus. The government health agency has issued emergency usage guidelines in response.
"Your typical get well card can become an Ebola factory when handled incorrectly," a masked CDC spokesperson. "You're fingering the card with your sweaty little hands. You're licking the envelope. You're applying a bodily fluid to the stamp. And before you know it, you've turned a simple message of hope into a death sentence."
The CDC was going to ban the use of all greeting cards. But it suddenly reversed itself, pointing out that the positive messages the cards provide might comfort those who could contract the disease, which at last count was everybody.
"With proper handling, greeting cards pose no health threat," the agency said. "Those who wish to distribute a get well device just need to follow a protocol which we have developed for their safety."
Protocol for Preparation and Personalization of an Analog Motivational Device
1. Acquire a hazmat head-to-toe safety suit.
2. Have a certified hazmat garment application professional fit you to the suit.
3. You left the get well card in your car. Remove the suit and go get it. Put the suit back on.
4. Sign the card.
5. Have your dog or cat lick the envelope and the stamp. Then remove your pet from your home and send it to a quarantine center where it will be kept for 21 days or until its demise, whichever comes first.
6. Remove your hazmat suit. If you're lucky, this will arouse your significant other and you will be rewarded for your good deed.
7. Disregard guideline number six. There is no reward, and you might as well leave the suit on in case someone sends you a get well card.