Victoria's Secret merges with the Secret Service to form… wouldn't you like to know?

Written by Michael Balton

Tuesday, 14 October 2014


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Speak into the D cup, please.

Washington -- Bra and panty emporium Victoria's Secret is combining with the Secret Service to create the most secret organization that the world has ever known.

"We are doubly secret, which makes us twice as secret than any other entity in the universe," said a spokesman who wishes to remain anonymous. "Even our name reflects the colossal scope of our clandestine nature."

The new group calls itself Victoria's Secret Secret Service. All that's officially known is that it will be part of the US Justice Department.

"We don't have to tell anybody anything we don't want to," the spokesman said, "because secrecy is our primary mission."

Intelligence analysts speculate that Victoria's Secret Secret Service will become the government's primary spying operation and intelligence resource.

Visiting the CIA, NSA and FBI for confirmation, the espionage experts found the headquarters of all three former clandestine operations abandoned. The analysts were able to easily track down the directors of the now defunct spy groups.

"We've been fired and our agencies terminated because we can't keep a secret," one of the directors explained. "We just can't resist playing the mister-know-it-all role whenever we can."

According to the former spy masters, the Secret Service was selected because of the agency's "culture of ignorance."

"When you know absolutely nothing, it's easy to keep a secret," the FBI ex-chief explained. "So the Secret Service will provide the brute force for this spy network. I just hope they teach them how to aim."

Victoria's Secret, meanwhile, will be the brains of the operation. "This is all about technology. A few months back, R&D worked with T&A to develop an underwire bra that delivers advanced surveillance capabilities. They came up with a Wi-Fi wonder that makes current devices seem like a bust."

"They just better be careful, it looks like something Mr. Putin would like to get his hands on."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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