God and Accidents

Written by Jackson Hoff

Sunday, 31 August 2014


The story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you wish to back out now, please click here to go back to the home page.

image for God and Accidents
Not God

Hoff here.

This a rant and I know I am going to piss some, maybe a lot, people off. But that's ok, because this is a rant. That means I can say anything I want, so sit down, kick back and let your outrage wash over you.

Earlier this year, in Kentucky, a 5-year-old boy shot and killed his 2-year-old sister with the .22 rifle he got for HIS(!) birthday. Nothing says "I love you" like a rifle, right? It was a sad story to be sure, and it gained national attention pretty quick. Predictably people started the whole gun conversation once again. 2nd Amendment blah-blah- blah. Stronger controls blah-blah-blah. NRA blah-blah-blah. All very sad. But here's what blows me away: the kids' grandmother simply said that it was "God's will". God called the little girl home -- with a gunshot wound to the face.


"God's will". This is too much for me to take. It took me maybe 20 seconds to come to the realization that God's will can be used to cover every accident. All accidents. Unavoidable accidents. Avoidable accidents. Bizarre accidents and stupid accidents. Funny accidents and devastating accidents. With just a wave of the Crazy Wand, whatever just happened was no accident at all. It is all just God's Will. So with just a little extrapolation, it becomes evident that purposeful events like murders, robberies, clubings and drone bombings are all just God's Will. Just imagine for a minute that the grandmother in the article above was the judge handling your assault and battery case. Some drunk guy at a tail-gate party thought you were the one that threw up on his shoes and he hit you in the face with one of those souvenir football helmets, breaking your glasses and your nose. He's sitting there and you're sitting there. The judge/grandmother looks at both of you in a way that makes you wonder about her sanity. She stands and says that the case is dismissed. The whole event was nothing more than God's will, she says. She turns on her heel and glides out of the room.

God's will. What do I do with that? When I go to the optometrist to get me a new pair of prescription glasses and she asks me for money to pay for them, do I just tell that it is God's will that I refuse payment? I doubt I'd get far with that.

Look, I have no problem with God. He's been around for awhile and is probably a whole lot smarter than all of our scientists and evangelists combined. It's hard to go a day without hearing His name, in vain and otherwise. Lots of people trust Him. You can tell He's very important to practically the whole planet's population, because when you use His name or anything referring to Him, you're supposed to capitalize those words. Not many other beings or powers get that kind of respect. Not even Elvis.

What I do have a problem with is those knuckleheads across the spectrum of humanity who use the phrase "Oh well, it was just God's Will", with an air that insinuates that they know something you couldn't even begin to comprehend. I'm not going to argue with anyone over exactly what is expected of God and exactly what it is that He controls. It's a no-win conversation at best. At worst, it can end up in a fist-fight that, of course, would be the Will of God.

My really big problem is that using the "God's Will" response trivializes the results of the most horrific mass murder imaginable or of the result of pulling a splinter from your little boy's knee and everything in between. Did you fall down the steps? God's Will. Did you burn your finger lighting your cigar? God's Will of course. And how about this: Did you get an unexpected raise at work yesterday? God's Will. How about getting fired... yep; God's Will. Apparently it's God's Will to marry and then later divorce the same person. So what is the bottom line? Accidents aren't the only things covered under the "God's Will" program. EVERYTHING is God's Will. So when that grandmother said that her granddaughter's death was God's Will, and after reading what I just wrote, I really shouldn't be too upset with her. After all, what she said was just, you know, God's Will.

(Apologies for the endless use of the phrase "God's Will". Or do I really even need to apologize...)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Spoof news topics

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more