Washington DC - The National Football League has volunteered its squad of on-field officials to "referee" Congress.
In announcing the arrangement, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell noted that his army of referees, field judges, umpires, linesmen, and chain gang inmates is fully up to the task of getting lawmakers back in line.
"NFL officials know how to handle the big mouths, the know it all's, the grand standers, and the glad handers," a league spokesman said. "And that's just the Capitol's men's room attendants. Wait till you see what we have in store for the actual legislators."
The NFL spokesman explained that the program would focus on eight major penalties, each of which carrying a million dollar fine in addition to a "timeout" that could range as long as an entire session of Congress.
While named after actual football infractions, the penalties themselves refer to political offenses. The National Football League provided the following summary:
Offsides
Players are not permitted to lean across the aisle for the purpose of compromise. That could destroy a cutthroat environment that took decades to build.
Pass Interference
Honest lawmakers are warned not to interfere with the NFL's distribution of home game passes, Broadway tickets, resort vacations, and the like. There's plenty for everyone.
Illegal Formation
Remapping an electoral district so it resembles a portrait of Ted Cruz is prohibited.
Offensive Holding
Lawmakers are permitted to hold onto bribe money no longer than one week before laundering it.
Unsportsmanlike Conduct
Voting in favor of any kind of gun control legislation is off target. Just keep everyone away from schools, malls and movie theaters.
Facemask Violation
For instance: When Michele Bachmann attempts to make Maybelline the official foundation of Congress.
Intentional Blow to the Head
Lawmakers should avoid helmet to helmet contact with their colleagues. In fact, they should avoid using their heads altogether. Just put it in Cruz control.
