Judge me by my on-field displays of childish petulance, pleads Ashley Cole

Funny story written by Deafo

Tuesday, 5 July 2011


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Chelsea and England defender Ashley Cole says people should judge him on the childish displays of petulance that have punctuated his footballing career, not the equally repulsive manner in which he allegedly conducts his private life.

Cole, who has attracted a number of negative headlines centred around his alleged world-class ability to put himself in sexual and social predicaments befitting of a man whose novel use of mobile phone technology flagged him as player of any side willing to take him in.

Reporters were told of Cole's dismay at the public's perception of him based upon his reported alleged misdemeanour.

'You know, its really difficult me to read some of the stuff written about me.

'There is so much rubbish that people believe just because they see it there in print in the papers, with supporting witness statements and corroboration from club sources.

'Don't judge me on that, judge me on things like forcing a move from my child hood team for an extra 20k a week, not things like the air rifle incident.

'Sure some might ask what I was doing waving an air rifle about the head of a student on work experience, I'd more inclined to ask who was stupid enough to leave their child in the care of a football team.'

Cole went on state how much difficulty his mother has in reading press stories about the travails of her son.

'She finds it really tough that she reads stuff in the press before I have had the chance to tell her the full details about my latest aberration.'

'Explaining to your mum that the application of the sensual vibrations of a mobile phone to a certain part of your body are all part of your training programme can prove a little embarrassing.'

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