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Secret ball boy training revealed as priority for Premier League academies

Funny story: Secret ball boy training revealed as priority for Premier League academies

No wonder the academy system at our top clubs is failing. The reason? An insider has revealed that all the millions ploughed into the academy system over the last decade has not been invested in developing the England players of the future, as man...

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Rio Ferdinand Claims John Terry No Longer On His Christmas Card List

Funny story: Rio Ferdinand Claims John Terry No Longer On His Christmas Card List

The Manchester United and former England defender Rio Ferdinand has told reporters that his ex-England team-mate John Terry is a "despicable cad" and no longer on the black star's Christmas card list. Terry has been at the centre of racist abuse a...

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John Terry 'not a threat' to London Olympics

Funny story: John Terry 'not a threat' to London Olympics

A newspaper editor has apologised today after a typo error suggested that the behaviour of Chelsea footballer John Terry was a threat to the well being of the London 2012 Olympics. The headline should have read 'terror threat' referring to Al Quai...

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Back my vision by emptying Stamford Bridge on matchdays, AVB tells Abramovich

Chelsea manager Andre Villas-Boas has urged owner Roman Abramovich to back his blueprint for the long-term future of the club by insisting all matches played at Stamford Bridge be completely free of home fans. The Portuguese feels a lack of suppor...

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Frank Lampard and Christine Bleakley To Wed In Mayo?

Funny story: Frank Lampard and Christine Bleakley To Wed In Mayo?

Excitement is growing in the condiments community over speculation that Chelsea star Frank Lampard is to wed his TV presenter squeeze Christine Bleakley in mayonnaise later this year. Rumours that the wedding will take place at Ashford Castle, Con...

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Man Utd Heroics Earn Draw At Chelsea

Funny story: Man Utd Heroics Earn Draw At Chelsea

A top football expert was last night revelling in the aftermath of a heroic performance by Manchester United at Chelsea. "How blooming hilarious was that," laughed EIF News & Features sports editor Thelonious Adidas. He was referring to the...

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John Terry 'didn't have the legs' to step down as England captain

John Terry refused to resign as England captain as he did not have the legs to stand down, according to a source close to the player. The Chelsea skipper, who received a date for his trial on charges of racial abuse, would have needed to undergo a...

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Chelsea boss Villas-Boas thinks Premier League should field "B" sides in Football League

Funny story: Chelsea boss Villas-Boas thinks Premier League should field "B" sides in Football League

Chelsea boss Andre Villas-Boas thinks English football should seriously consider following the Spanish model by allowing Premier League clubs to field "B" sides in the Football League - or even permitting the purchase of smaller rivals for use as fee...

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John Terry to move back into Barking council house

Funny story: John Terry to move back into Barking council house

The mysterious finances of Chelsea skipper John Terry took another twist last night when he and his family moved back to the area where he was born - straight into a four bed council house. The 'stun' newspaper revealed he remortgaged his home in...

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Chelsea Spared By Pompey - Not Next Time, Says Fan

Funny story: Chelsea Spared By Pompey - Not Next Time, Says Fan

Chelsea's victory over Portsmouth in the third round of the FA Cup yesterday has been welcomed by a Pompey fan, though he is disapppointed by the London club's behaviour. As we reported on Saturday, Fratton Park 'superfan' Jake Seaport asked his h...

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Pompey Urged To Go Easy On Chelsea

Funny story: Pompey Urged To Go Easy On Chelsea

As the third round of the FA Cup arrives, most fans lick their lips in anticipation of excitement and upsets. But one fan is hoping his second-tier team will take pity on their Premier League opponents. Portsmouth "super fan" Jake Seaport is ur...

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Transfer Window: Man United, Chelsea, Liverpool prepare bid for Everton's Tim Howard

Funny story: Transfer Window: Man United, Chelsea, Liverpool prepare bid for Everton's Tim Howard

The biggest clubs in the England 'EPL' were today 'preparing bids' to secure the services of the premiershites latest goalscoring sensation, Americanish tourette sufferer Timothy Howard. The Everton net buster and occasional goal stopper marked hi...

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John Terry To Wear Studs In Future

Funny story: John Terry To Wear Studs In Future

Chelsea and England captain John Terry has told fans on the club's website that he intends to wear studs in his boots in the future after slipping and presenting Arsenal with a match-winning goal in his side's 5-3 loss to Arsenal at Stamford Bridge a...

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Arsenal Against Chelsea Best Part Of 'Day To Forget' For Local Man

Funny story: Arsenal Against Chelsea Best Part Of 'Day To Forget' For Local Man

A local man claims that Saturday will be a day to forget. Mr Gideon Lambrusco claimed to be "minding his own business" when his day just started to unravel for no apparent reason. "I just don't get it," said Mr Lambrusco, 46, of Panfried Garden...

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QPR refuse to share new stadium with Chelsea

Funny story: QPR refuse to share new stadium with Chelsea

High flying QPR have dashed Chelsea's dreams of sharing a luxury new stadium in Shepherd's Bush. The upwardly mobile West London club have realised that their bijou dwelling in Loftus Road is too small for Champion's League football and are looki...

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Chelsea Declare All Out War On Manchester United - It Could Be A Bloodbath

Funny story: Chelsea Declare All Out War On Manchester United - It Could Be A Bloodbath

There's certainly no denying moneybags Chelsea's determination to succeed in Sunday's Old Trafford clash with table topping Manchester United. They've promised to go to Old Trafford and wipe the floor with Fergie's youthful Red Devils. Under new b...

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Judge me by my on-field displays of childish petulance, pleads Ashley Cole

Funny story: Judge me by my on-field displays of childish petulance, pleads Ashley Cole

Chelsea and England defender Ashley Cole says people should judge him on the childish displays of petulance that have punctuated his footballing career, not the equally repulsive manner in which he allegedly conducts his private life. Cole, who ha...

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Villas-Boas Promises Bright Future For Chelsea

Funny story: Villas-Boas Promises Bright Future For Chelsea

A bright future is promised for Chelsea following the appointment of Portuguese coach Andre Villas-Boas. He will be confirmed as Carlo Ancelotti's successor at Stamford Bridge today after Chelsea bought out the £13.2 million release clause in his...

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The Queen Takes A Knee

The Queen of England takes a knee in front of Trump during the playing of the Stars Spangle Banner, joining the protest.
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