A man was asked to leave Spodbury Leisure Centre today after reducing the water level by six inches in five minutes with his ridiculous beard and four-inch long back hair.
As he left the poolside, builder ZeeZee Topp, 27, said, "This is discrimination. I can't help being hairy. I could have removed it, but I'd have to get up at about 4am to shave everywhere by the time the pool opened at 9 and frankly, I can't be arsed. Anyway, my wife loves running her fingers through it, it gives her a great upper body workout."
Lifeguard Kevin Sponge, who issued the follicle fatwa, said, "Never mind the water level, I'm going to be here 'til midnight fishing hairballs out of the filter. There'll be more body hair stuck in the pipes than the time we trialled Feminist Aquarobics, which famously didn't work because they refused to be told what to do."
On being told he was banned until he either shaved the hair off or simply evolved, ZeeZee was unrepentant: "I'll be back, and maybe next time I'll bring the wife. She tried wild water swimming during lockdown and they had to impose a hosepipe ban."
