Amid Omicron, India Limits Gatherings To 5000 People

Funny story written by Paul Blake

Friday, 24 December 2021

image for Amid Omicron, India Limits Gatherings To 5000 People
This woman is sad that only 5000 people can attend her wedding, and is choosing her songs very carefully.

Mumbia, India - With the surge of the Omicron variant, the Indian official in charge of monitoring gathers of any sort, has set the maximum safety number at 5000.

"There are a lot of things to gather about this time of year," said Mahendra Achooinursoupa, the government official in charge of picking a safe number out of a hat. "There are many parties and weddings and other ceremonies, where if you add in a few cousins here or there, the number easily adds up to 5000."

Indeed, even your average 6 year old birthday party can garner thousands of attendees.

"Just last week, one of my co-workers left on maternity leave. There were over 7000 people at the office party. That's when I thought to myself, 'Oh good golly gee, this might be a super-spreader event,' said Achooinursoupa.

And India is serious too. They have even gone so far as to hire official 'Gathering Counters.' "Yes," explains Achooinursoupa, "Our crackerjack team of gathering counters will be out there counting people at all the big gatherings, making sure there is no more that 5000 people at each one. Even if they themselves, count as the 5001st person, the event will be shut down immediately. We must remain safe during this time. And don't try to change your shirt, or move around a lot. Our gathering counters will catch you. They are very good at counting."

"Also, singing and dancing will be kept to a minimum of 20 Bollywood songs. If 5000 people get together and sing anymore than 20 Bollywood songs, it can be very, very dangerous. So, choose your songs wisely. My advice is to choose very long songs that last a long time."

Suspiciously, there was no word on the number of dancing cobras in a basket allowed at any one gathering.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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