Sales of the new Sage & Onion Latte have been booming at coffee shops across the UK, as people will buy a dog turd on a stick if they’ve been told it’s a ‘Festive Limited Edition.’
“It’s just the ticket after a gruelling ninety minutes shopping,” Clitora Flange, 44, said. “Sure, it sounded disgusting at first, but once I saw the word ‘Festive’ and they put a stripy straw in it, I was hooked. After a long hour and a half of getting my new glitter nails, festive wax melts and a big fuckoff bow for my front door, it’s great to just take a minute for myself with one of these coffees.
Since catching the menopause in a nasty Rumbacize incident earlier this year, I’ve been determined to make this Christmas really special and live life to the full, so I’ve got a nice top I can wear with jeans for the works Christmas do, and I always treat myself to a coffee every morning. I like the Turkeyccino and Pate Latte, but the Sage & Onion one is my favourite.
I’ve piled on a stone since November 1st and I stink of gravy, but don’t we all deserve a little treat at Christmas?”