A man who is widely recognised as the UK's most patriotic man has been awarded a full year of compassionate leave, following the death of HRH Prince Phillip.
Gary Herpe, 51, has lowered the 1,500 individual union jack flags positioned on, around, and inside his house, to half mast, as a sign of respect. The 5-inch model of a British bulldog, displayed with pride on the dash of his 1992 Vauxhall Cavalier, has been adjusted to prevent the head from nodding during this sobering historic moment, as a sign of respect.
"HRH Prince Phillip was a gentleman, and a scholar, and an example to us all" said Gary. "The tragic news of his death will send emotional shockwaves across the entire world. He gave so much to us all, and to me personally, over the years. I have been praying for his royal highness since his admittance to hospital."
He continued: "The doctors have advised that the grieving process will take approximately 12 months. They have warned me", said Gary, whilst surrounded by crumpled tissues, "that the trauma of this episode may cause irreversible damage to my tear ducts and eyes. My eyesight has already deteriorated".
Gary reflects on his unique relationship with Prince Phillip: "Although I never met HRH, I have always felt a unique kinship. Despite the vast size and ever-growing value of the crown estate, despite having the ability to appoint prime ministers and veto parliamentary bills... despite all of that, they're really just the same as us. Some might argue that HRH lived a life of unfathomable personal wealth and extraordinary privilege at the expense of the tax payer, but I don't believe that, because someone on twitter said it wasn't true, and why would they lie?".
"People should stop talking this country down", he added. "If only he had lived a few more months, I'm convinced that the Brexit dividend being pumped into the NHS now would probably have saved his life. It's such bad timing".