Britannia time portal ruled out

Funny story written by Sir Geoffroy Cockface

Sunday, 30 August 2020

image for Britannia time portal ruled out
After visiting a portaloo, Britannia would use a lion as toilet paper

A study at McFly University in Sydney, Australia has concluded that time travel is not a factor in many British people's antiquated attitudes.

Professor Bruce Jefferson explained, "Many Brits seem to have a worldview that is stuck in the late Victorian era, and appears unable to comprehend anything that happened since 1945. At first, we thought that this could be a unique time travelling phonemenon."

Jefferson's team studied the possibility that a giant time portal over the centre of England could be feeding images from the past into people's brains.

"You see it all the time," said Jefferson. "Look at this current debate about whether the lyrics to 'Rule, Britannia!' are appropriate. I'll be honest, we all laughed at that one. Your navy isn't even in the top five largest in the world."

"It makes about as much sense as a Mongolian singing, 'Rule, Mongolia! Mongolia rules the steppe!'"

Jefferson's team concluded that no such time portal exists, and that British attitudes are entirely down to a collective delusion which can be considered a form of insanity.

"It's a form of escapism, probably so that you forget you live on a barren grey rock at the edge of the world, your houses are tiny and you eat grey sludge. I mean, why else would you vote for Brexit?"

Jefferson's team is now studying whether a wave of brain-eating aliens have invaded the US.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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