Britain is set to reclaim a title it hasn't held since the 1970s - the sick man of Europe. The award is given annually by the European Sickness Bureau (BSE) and in the last few years has been given to Russia, Poland and Turkey.
"We're very proud to reclaim the award," said government spokesman Geoff Dribble. "Nobody has done more than the Conservatives to promote sickness and poverty, and we'd like to thank the British people for leaving us in power long enough to be able to achieve our aims."
The award was given to Britain after its appalling handling of the coronavirus pandemic, and for having the highest number of deaths in the whole continent.
BSE spokesman Claude Debussy said, "We thought it was time the award came back to Britain. You really deserve it."