Concerns over the level of Russian influence in key British services have been dismissed as conspiracy nonsense by Home Office press officer, Dmitry Antonov.
There are questions about the restructuring of the British Nuclear Fuels programme by its new head, Glolovkin Ivan Zolbin. ‘Yes, I installed a remote Command and Control system using my cousin's communications company, Zharkov Internet Systems,’ said Colonel Zolbin (Ret.), ‘but that was only so I could manage all the nuclear power plants from my holiday home on the Black Sea.’
‘This seems like a sensible strategic move,’ said Dmitry Antonov, while sipping a vodka on Zolbin’s yacht, ‘safety is a priority for this government.’
The contract to replace The Food Safety Authority was won by Novichok Food Tasters, run by Alexander Mishkin and Anatoly Chepiga, who will retain an interest in a few cafes in Salisbury.
‘I know that looks a bit strange, as we’ve never visited Salisbury,’ said Mishkin. ‘Well, except perhaps once, but only to see the cathedral,’ added Chepiga. ‘And to catch up with our old friend, Sergei Skripal,’ said Mishkin. ‘Ya, from our military intelligence days,’ added Chepiga.
Last year's decision to award Kalashnikov Gagarin Business Solutions the privatised contract of vetting Security Services applicants has also come under scrutiny.
Prime Minster Johnson said he felt confident the contract awarding review process by Pushkin & Putin Consulting Services will show everything is tip-top.
‘Now, let’s not get hung up on security concerns just because of someone's name,’ added PM Boris.