Britain is set to reclaim a title it hasn't held since the 1970s - the sick man of Europe. The award is given annually by the European Sickness Bureau (BSE) and in the last few years has been given to Russia, Poland and Turkey. "We're very proud t…
A study at McFly University in Sydney, Australia has concluded that time travel is not a factor in many British people's antiquated attitudes. Professor Bruce Jefferson explained, "Many Brits seem to have a worldview that is stuck in the late Vic…
Concerns over the level of Russian influence in key British services have been dismissed as conspiracy nonsense by Home Office press officer, Dmitry Antonov. There are questions about the restructuring of the British Nuclear Fuels programme by it…
In a Sunday morning twitter storm, President Donald J Trump announced that he has asked leaders of the Taliban, Afghan government and Harry Maguire of the United Kingdom to join him at Camp David. Nobody in the White House could immediately explai...
Speaking from the Rose Garden to reporters today, Donald Trump congratulated Boris Johnson as his selection as Prime Minister of Great Britain. "I don't really understand what makes Britain great since they lost our colonies, but I think that's fine,...
New Conservative Party leader, Boris Johnson, has spoken to the press after his victory over rival, Jeremy Hunt, was confirmed, and said that his first task was to officially designate Great Britain as the 51st state of the USA. In America, Presid...
Today the Iranian Navy boarded the British oil tanker Bloody Hell Brexit Already, but were unable to take command of the vessel. "There simply was not time for such rubbish," said the Captain Reginald Kipling. "We were just pouring tea and having...
Disoriented and confused, 33-year-old Ross Edgy was found off the coast of Scotland (or maybe it was Wales), having swum in circles for 12 days. I left Kent, or maybe it was Limerick, on—well, it was sometime this year, I think—bound for France—or...
It has been over two years now since the UK's referendum on whether national symbol Britannia should remain a woman, or should become a man. The vote for the sex change narrowly won, but still we are no closer to seeing her with a cock and balls.
Brexit covers the newspapers these days like a tramp's vomit, but it isn't the first time Britain has considered leaving a large international organisation - it nearly happened in 1886. While the British Empire was approaching its peak, there was a small movement for Britain to leave it. Coincidentally, it was led by my great-uncle, also named Sir Geoffroy Cockface. Sir Geoffroy was trouserer t...
"The United Kingdom is open for business, now more than ever," that was Prime Minister Theresa May's post-Brexit message to journalists gathered at No. 10 Downing Street yesterday. Words expelled with both vigor and pomp, she was speaking after sign...
Prime Minister, Theresa May, has now appointed Britian's first ever Minister for Fashion. Former Lord Chancellor and Brexit architect, Michael Gove, began work yesterday in his new offices just off Carnaby Street. "Couldn't be a better location",...
Britain's National Treasures, including the likes of Julie Walters and Dame Judi Dench, are to be rounded up and housed in a museum it was announced today. The new Culture Secretary, Karen Bradley today unveiled her plans stating that it was vita...
LONDON, ENGLAND - The damning economic report issued today revealed the lowest GDP growth figures in British history, effectively rendering Britain a third world country. Economists, politicians and self-proclaimed "experts" from down the pub wer...
RIYADH, KINGDOM OF SAUDI ARABIA - Saudi Arabia, the oil rich Gulf state, has continued its attempt to shake its bad reputation as a regressive, brutal dictatorship by joining the British motoring show Top Gear, replacing host Chris Evans, who left th...
In a shock statement, the tenth circle of hell from Dante's "Inferno" has been named as the Northern Line at rush hour. Intended as the circle to punish commuters for trusting the British public transportation system, this horrendous site sees an...
HEAVEN - God announced today in a press statement that he aimed to step down from the role of God. He clarified that: "it's difficult being God, people don't really get that there's a lot to it, you know, unleashing fiery vengeance upon whores an...
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