Northern City Still Out In Front In Race To Oblivion

Funny story written by Monkey Woods

Saturday, 21 November 2020

image for Northern City Still Out In Front In Race To Oblivion
Residents trying to get the hang of social distancing

As the second spike of the Coronavirus really gets into its stride, with infection rates rising all over mainland Britain, the city of Hull, in East Yorkshire, has emerged as the runaway leader in the Race to Oblivion, the virus infection 'league' sponsored by COVID-19.

Hull's infection rate was recently as high as 762 cases per 100,000 of its population, though, this week, that has slipped to only 748. This small slide has had a minimal effect on the city's championship title aspirations, with rival cities a country mile in their wake.

A member of Hull City Council said:

"Since being UK City of Culture in 2017, we've had nothing to shout about, but this is bringing some restored pride to Hull, knowing that we are leaders once more, blazing a trail."

Residents have steadfastly refused to wear face masks, to practise social-distancing, to self-isolate once they fall ill, and to observe the government's stay-at-home orders - if they have a home, that is.

Shopping areas are packed with shoppers looking for pre-apocalyptic Christmas bargains, with traders reporting business as "brisk". Pubs, bars, and restaurants are said to be "heaving", and local supermarkets are full of customers jostling each other for crisps and pot noodles.

Hull hospitals are stuffed to the gills with COVID-19 cases, and are also top of the 'NHS Overwhelmed' league, with beds crammed not only on wards, but also in corridors, stairwells, and, in the case of Hull Royal Infirmary, the main foyer.

A huge tent is due to be erected in the car park, as the city maintains its push for glory.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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