That model of integrity and honour, paragon of virtue, Boris Johnson, has expressed amazement at the EU's reaction to him wishing to renege on the withdrawal agreement he signed in January.
"What a kerfuffle," began the Prime Minister, forcing EU chief negotiator Michel Barnier to consult his translation app. "Honestly, I had my fingers crossed behind my back when signing the agreement, and it is, therefor, null and void. Crystal clear, I would have thought. What else can I say? We all have to play by the rules. And, as far as the Irish Sea is concerned, we've renamed it the Straits of Liverpool, which in essence means it's English. Consequently, any deals with Ireland about tariffs and checks and papers and borders etc. are baseless, so get out of that one!"
EU officials were nonplussed at this development, but the Great Pretender hadn't finished yet. "I'm not trying to pull a fast one here," he lied, again sending poor Barnier to his digital app, "it's just that the EU is not flexible enough. I mean, look at me. One day I say this, one day I say that, now that's flexibility, facts and positions need to be malleable."
Journalists stared open-mouthed at this huge piece of putty posing outside No. 10, elected by the British folk. "And I'm afraid that's it. I have to walk Dilyn now and then get back to play with, ...er... whatshisname... Wally, William..."
"Wilfred, you blockhead!" shouted a reporter.
"Precisely, just slipped my mind," he lied again, and was led away by a Jack Russell.
